Blue Sky // Josh Kiszka

Friends

Noah Parker's house, New Year's party. Exactly one year ago I saw the man I love and my older sister kissing, right here in this living room. I would never expect they would still be together after so long, but they are.

I would also never expect I'd be here again after the disaster that was last year. But this time is different, Ashley didn't have to beg for me to come, Josh just had to ask once. I would do anything for him.

I guess when you cry in someone else's arms this brings you together.

Josh texted me everyday after prom night, always worried, always trying to make me feel better even without his arms holding me close, giving me shelter.

He invited me to help him with one of his films, I accepted and it was the most incredible experience of my life. I ended up spending the whole summer with him, writing, shooting and watching the band's rehearsals.

Ashley spent her summer in New York, at her grandmother's house. I needed a friend, Josh was there, everything changed. The first thing she told me on our first day back to school was "you look different, happy." I was, I am.

I'm still in love with Jake and it doesn't matter how much time has passed, it still hurts the same. But I'm feeling good about myself now, I finally feel important.

I allowed Josh to see me, really see me. I let him inside my soul, he helped me understand myself. I'd finally admitted to someone I wasn't happy with my life.

All that story about not caring about my parents not giving me attention, all that bullshit about being ok with people ignoring my existence, I admitted to him - and myself - all I ever did was care and suffer.

And he understands; and, most important, he cares.

Venus absolutely loves our friendship, though she doesn't really understand it. Since day one all she says is "Jesus, just date already." She is sure we're in love, which is great for her considering she never stopped being jealous about me and Jake.

Speaking of him, I don't know how he feels about me and his brother. Josh and I have this sort of platonic relationship. He is a very touchy person and I feel comfortable and safe under his arms, so we're always all over each other, hugging and cuddling. And, for some reason, Jake seems to always be annoyed whenever we're being too affectionate.

I'm not gonna lie, that makes me feel pretty good.

During summer, I was at the Kiszkas' everyday. Unfortunately, I still have a year of high school ahead of me, while Josh is enjoying his freedom, but I still see him every weekend. Besides, I feel less lonely at school now, because I have not only Ashley, but also his sister Veronica, who's in my English and History class and join me and Ash at lunch sometimes.

Since I've been spending a lot of time at his house now, we decided to do some observation. Sam had helped us, and together we figured out that Jake knows how I feel about him. Sam thinks my sister does too, and that's why she keeps trying to make me and Josh become a thing. I guess she feels jealous and guilty at the same time.

The idea of Jake knowing how I feel destroyed me. If he knows, but is still with my sister, that means the feeling doesn't flow both ways. Considering he rather be with her, who is my complete opposite, it also means I would never have a chance, even if he was alone.

But he keeps sending me those mixed signals. He went to my house so we could listen to music together, held my hand, made me a mixtape, talked to my sister about the way my parents treat me, danced with me in the mooling at prom, keeps his eyes locked on me whenever I'm watching the band's rehearsals and always seems annoyed when Josh is being too affectionate.