Battling to Breathe | ON HOLD

Chapter 14

After paying our ticket and a hug from Ray, Sawyer and I left the diner. He didn't ask me anything yet, which I was thankful for. He just started driving. 

He drove across Red Brook, which took every bit of four minutes, until we came up on the field right down the road from the school -- where the fair had been. Where all of this had started that night just three weeks ago. He pulled into the parking lot behind the field, put his truck in park, and waited. 

So did I. 

.....Was he going to say something? 

Should I start the conversation? 

It would make sense for me to, seeing as I was the one who had wanted to talk. I decided to go for it, despite my pounding heart telling me not to. 

I cleared my throat. "So." 

Wow, great start. 

"So," Sawyer responded, just as deadpan. 

Another silence fell. 

This was just Sawyer, the same Sawyer that I'd crushed on for years. The same Sawyer that I watched go through the awkward chubby phase of puberty, the same Sawyer that held me when I was freaking out, the same Sawyer that I knew and loved. This was just Sawyer -- my Sawyer. 

Why couldn't I just talk to him?

"Okay," I began again. "Why don't we do it this way -- you ask me questions, I'll give you answers to the best of my ability." 

He smiled. "Okay." 

I watched him as he knitted his eyebrows in thought for a moment, before asking: "Will you just explain?"

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, Captain Vague. Give me a little more than that. What do I need to explain?"

"Why you were totally fine with me kissing you, but then you completely freaked when I asked to actually be with you." He blushed suddenly. "Not -- not like, that, but like -- I mean, not that I don't want you in that way -- shit, I just mean --" 

Bless his heart, I couldn't help but smile. "Sawyer, chill. I get it." 

He stopped fumbling as I rested my hand on his arm. I took a deep breath and settled back into the seat, having absolutely no idea how to start.

"Relationships....aren't good for me," I began, choosing my words carefully. "There are things about me that...prohibit me from being with someone. Things that I can't exactly get control of." 

"What kind of things?" 

I laid my head back on the seat and closed my eyes. This...I wasn't ready to put out in the open yet. 

"I'm not answering that one yet," I said quietly. 

Thankfully, Sawyer didn't push. He just nodded, and began thinking again of another question. 

"Are you willing to let me know about those things later on?"

I bit my lip, thinking. 

Could I trust him with this?

What was I thinking? This was Sawyer, my Sawyer. Of course I could.

I nodded slowly. 

"That's all I ask. Just...down the road, tell me." 

I nodded again. 

"Next question."

"Can you control those things enough to be with me?"