Mad World

Depression is within human nature as everyone experiences it at least once in their lives. In high-school, after college or way down the line when they're in their adult lives with a wife and two kids; if you're lucky, you beat it, but if you're unlucky, it beats you.

The types of depressions vary on your mindset as sometimes it's as simple as not getting your way when you're a child so you sit there and argue with your mom about not wanting what she made for you to eat and she sends you to your room with no food for the rest of the night. When you're in your room you get angry and start to think negative thoughts as the sadness takes over you.

Other times it's as random as losing an argument with your best friends during lunch break on the bleachers. You had such passion in your voice as you pleaded your case as to why the movie you liked was better, but everyone else chose his. The realization that you're wrong sets in and you feel alone since no one agrees with your opinion. The darkness enters your body and starts to eat away at you, was the movie you were really passionate about good at all? Or is everyone else right and its rubbish?

The last few years I've dealt with the worst type of depression you can deal with at my age. Not the momentary depression or even the arguing with parents type; instead this is the kind of eternal sadness that engulfs your entire body as I wake up in the morning. The second my eyes open when I'm awake I roll over and realize I lived through another night, no dreams as I slept, just the cold stare of the darkness looking back at me. The day goes on like any other day, slow and consuming. My teacher would drone on about how we really have to start setting our goals for college as finals were coming up in a few weeks and now is the time to start thinking about our career choices. The lunch ladies would sell overpriced cold food that was barely edible and the lunch room would be noisy with kids talking about the newest trends that showed how bleak our generation was turning out. All the while I'd sit by myself listening to the same music every day and wishing I could just go home.

Rinse and repeat.

Every day is the same it feels, you start to feel like you're being held hostage by your own psyche. Am I good enough? Will I make it? It doesn't matter whether you're awake or asleep, it feels as if you're being held at gunpoint, the darkness grips the gun tightly as it points it to your temple. After years of this happening day in and day out, you just scream to do it already just pull the trigger and end the darkness. But just like every other day, you hear the click and your eyes open.

Another cycle of the day continues and you're alive.

After months of this you try to break the chains holding you hostage. You so desperately want to wake up without the shackles holding you back. The feeling of freedom is so close and yet so far away. Running doesn't help, if you try the chains wrap around your neck and wrestle you back into submission. The darkness wins another day.

The clock ticks.

Eventually you'll find your solution, your mother's sleeping pills she uses. She won't notice a few go missing and by the time she finds you a dozen will already be in your stomach and you'll finally find happiness.

You close your eyes and smile as you swallow them, eyes closed you start to see the darkness. This time, a warm embrace is met, almost as if you're meeting with an old friend. It puts an arm on my shoulder and guides me towards a light in the distance. Words aren't spoken but it feels like you're catching up with an old friend. A few hours feel like seconds. The silence slowly becomes eerie in the room as you feel yourself slowly starting to drift away.

The chains slowly come off, I'm free to go. No more shackles holding me back, I break into a run towards the light, laughing and smiling like the good times. I run and run and run. The light never gets closer.