A Love in Three Chapters [Completed]

Chapter 3.3

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave

You were what I wanted

I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you

I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

You're my first love,the last words of her reverie escaped Lisa's lips as well. She was brought back to the old regal looking building where she has been looking up at, moments ago.

Five years ago was the most painful time for Lisa, not just because she felt their relationship died a natural death without either of them really having the energy nor drive to fight for it, but because she also lost her best friend. For some years, she blamed Jennie more than she blamed herself. Maybe if Jennie gave her more time and worked less? Maybe if Jennie understood that South Korea was a second home but she felt suffocated every time she couldn't touch Jennie in public? Maybe if Jennie recognized that Lisa wanted her to focus on their future together and not just their individual ambitions?

But as years passed and the more she saw less of Jennie, she realized that, even if they were each other's first loves, maybe they weren't mature enough to sustain that love then. They've grown up together barely leaving each other's sides and didn't know a world outside that bubble, so the moment they faced distance, they panicked and have mistaken the circumstance as lack of effort. They both wanted the other to give way but ultimately no one did.

Sometimes she wonders if Jennie also had these realizations. Sometimes she wonders if she is really more mature now to face the next chapter. Sometimes she wonders what would have happened if she acquiesced and followed Jennie. Would Lisa have had resentment for not realizing this future she now has or would she have found another way to make it happen?

She stood there for some time, looking for an answer. She did not exactly know what the question was.

Lisa didn't know what she wanted, but she knew she just needed to speak to Jennie again. She took out her phone and with slight haziness and panic, she tried to look for Jennie's number but realized that the one she had was the one Jennie had from South Korea years ago. She's not sure if this still works, but she tried anyway.

She cursed herself immediately after hearing the 'number disconnected' notification. She could almost say that the universe was conspiring against her, when she saw a shadow from one of the second-floor windows – it was Jennie walking towards what looks like one of the cabinets. Lisa held her breath – she missed looking at Jennie in her casual way around a room, when she's calmer, when she's unassuming and intimate, when she's—

Another shadow moves across the window, and this time, Lisa completely forgot to breathe - it became absolutely painful to allow air within. The silhouette of a woman moved closer to Jennie, wrapped her arms around her in a careful embrace and kissed her temples after Jennie nestled on her chest. They stayed there nuzzling for a bit, while Lisa stood outside dumbstruck, an unwitting audience to the muted words of what she imagined to be small reassurances exchanged behind the thick window glass pane. A small taunting tear dared to fall across her left cheek, as she exhaled short breaths and shook her head at the dark humour in this: where Jennie is inside a warm space and her confusion is cradled, Lisa stood outside and her screaming chaotic feelings were mirrored as her despair was being drowned by the Parisian street noise and traffic. She could have shrieked and they probably would have not heard her crying in desperation.

Lisa slowly felt her whole world collapse on her, choking her last gasp and weighing on her shoulders, rendering her numb. She realized that the universe was conspiring against her, indeed.

Her head was miserably competing with the world's noise when she silently screamed: That should have been me.

But it wasn't Lisa holding her anymore.

There, standing more alone than she ever has been in her whole life, she was reminded why she kept trying to manage her emotions and stopping herself from chasing Jennie in the first place that night: that early this year, while she was having her usual short catch-ups with Jisoo, Lisa was dropped the update without much warning: Jennie got engaged to that woman. She is moving to Paris with Jennie.

"Are you okay?" Jisoo asked, calling when she didn't reply. What else could she say? They have heard of this woman Jennie met shortly after their Blackpink reunion but they never really paid so much attention to; Jennie had a lot of dating rumours connected to her after all. They all thought things were moving too fast. They thought maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't work out. After all, Jennie and Lisa have been in a relationship for YEARS and look where that ended up.

But Lisa has also been too proud to reach out to Jennie the past few years, until it just came to a point that she has accepted things as they were. So when she heard Jennie got engaged, it was perhaps a tad bit too late. She just distracted herself and got busier and busier, and later on, she simply...thought she moved on.

But that's the problem with convincing yourself you've moved on – when you finally see them again in front of you, you are reminded why you've been so numb the whole time and tried to forget: because tonight, Jennie only needed to sit beside her and look at her longingly with those cat eyes and all the colours and warmth and pain and reminders of what could have been were resurrected, yet all Lisa could do was grimace and pretend that no, it did not hurt at all. It did not hurt at all when Jennie smiled that playful smile that she missed for more than 5 years; it did not hurt at all when Jennie told her about her life in Paris and conveniently left out the fact that she now has a fiancée; it did not hurt at all when Jennie told her she will now leave South Korea and permanently live in Paris, with Lisa knowing her fiancée did what Jennie fleetingly asked Lisa to do for her years ago: to move to Paris with her. She suffocated and she wanted to tear out her lungs and numb heart in the middle of that art gallery, but no, it did not hurt at all.

Because it definitely paled in comparison to seeing the truth in front of her now, standing on the sidewalk in the middle of Paris and feeling more lost than ever: that Jennie now has a new comfort that wasn't her arms anymore, that this person had the courage to move with Jennie across the world to be with her and make it happen. Lisa is finally seeing...why she was the one worth leaving.

This...this is pain.

And no matter how much familiarity throughout the evening could bring her back, no matter how much reminiscing, no matter how much goodbye kisses, no matter how much romantic attempts to run back - none of these are ever bringing Jennie back. Because in the end, Lisa will again choose to pretend that these are the cards drawn for them. They would never admit to themselves that simply, if one of them chose to keep fighting for it, maybe they could have still been together - either in South Korea, in Thailand, or maybe France.

She took one last glance and started to walk away, because she felt the energy starting to drain her and she did not know how else to deal with the reality of her emotions. She started walking all the way to her hotel, wishing she could stay and leave Paris at the same time. Wishing she could hate and love Paris at the same time.

See sometimes, some endings are not explosive. They're just painful and inevitable - the inevitable being the result of something you just didn't fight hard enough for. 

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A/N:

Hello all, thank you for reading! It's my first attempt to write a full text fanfic like this (I previously made a socmed AU one), so I sincerely hope you liked it, despite the theme being a little heartbreaking.

I initially created this version for a visual format (see https://twitter.com/pinkbyproxy/status/1165956377119821825?s=20), so if you're keen to take a look, please feel free to click on the link.

If you have any comments, please drop them here!