Tevun-Krus #70 - Punk Wars II

Punk Wars: The Show Round 2 - A Short Story by @elveloy

Footsteps sounded on the floorboards, some were firm, confident steps and others more of a nervous shuffle. Clothes rustled as their owners settled themselves. Then silence. Three large red chairs opposite, remained with their backs to the new arrivals.

MadMike cleared his throat loudly.

The three judges hastily put away their mobile phones, plastered an encouraging smile on their faces and spun their chairs around to see who had made it through to this current round of the hottest reality show in this time-space continuum. Punk Wars.

Four life forms—all apparently human—sat in the four contestants' seats, returning the judges' gaze with hopeful interest. At first glance, their sub-genres were not particularly obvious, except for the young woman with gold hoop earrings and a parrot sitting on one shoulder. Beside her sat an elegant young man wearing an old-fashioned suit with a high waist, and short dark hair slicked back over his head. Next to him was a scruffy man with a long white beard, wearing a grey cloak which could have done with a good wash, and lastly, a rather unremarkable-looking middle-aged woman, sipping water nervously from the glass on her table.

"Well that one's got to be 'Piratepunk,'" Jinn whispered confidently to the heavily whiskered man sitting on her left.

Jeff nodded, absentmindedly nibbling a forefinger as he pondered the others.

"The greybeard... 'Mythpunk' or 'Stonepunk'?" he murmured.

"Mythpunk," pronounced the third judge, twitching her golden sari a little straighter. "But what in heck's name are the others? Could be anything from Teslapunk to Nanopunk."

"Quiet... please!" hissed MadMike, frowning heavily at the judges.

He plastered a beaming smile on his face and turned to face the audience.

"Ladies, Gentlemen and Sentient Beings, welcome to the second round of Punk Wars, the hottest show this side of the Milky Way! Tonight we have contestants representing Piratepunk," ("told you," said Jinn, pumping a fist in the air) "Stonepunk," (Jeff elbowed Nablai in the ribs at that point and grinned) "Greenpunk and Decopunk!" continued MadMike, oblivious to the commotion behind him. "Check your buzzers please, ladies and gentlemen."

Instead of the traditional large red buttons, there was a miniature ship's bell in front of Piratepunk, which gave a surprisingly loud ring when struck. With a smile, Decopunk pressed the shiny silver bellpress in front of him, then whipped out a clean white handkerchief and polished it thoroughly.

"Are they organic?" asked Greenpunk, looking anxiously at the two coconut shells in front of her.

"Of course!" hissed MadMike impatiently. The shells made a satisfying 'clop' noise as she clapped them together.

Stonepunk picked up the large stone before him and brought it down with both hands, threatening to crack the tabletop. "For fuck's sake, get him something smaller!" hissed MadMike from the corner of his mouth. A black covered attendant disappeared hastily.

MadMike cleared his throat and turned back to the waiting audience. "And now," he beamed, "here is the first question: What is the difference between Steampunk and Clockpunk?"

The contestants looked doubtfully at each other, then a faint "clop, clop" sounded.

"Yes Greenpunk?" queried MadMike. "And louder next time please, I barely heard you."

"Er... one's about clocks and the other's about steam?" offered Greenpunk tentatively.

"Exactly! Well done!" beamed MadMike, making Greenpunk press back into her seat with a nervous smile.

"And now for the second question! Everyone ready?" The four contestants nodded quickly, including the parrot.

"What colour is Gothpunk?"

The contestants all looked blank.

"Come on. It's not that hard!" encouraged MadMike.

"Er..would it be black?" offered Decopunk. Durrrr A harsh sound drowned out the speaker.

"Use your fucking buzzers!"scolded MadMike. "Now I have to ask another question!" he glared at Decopunk, who was furiously polishing his bell and blinking.

"Now you've all heard of Wattpunk, right? That possibly most obscure sub-genre... Who was the creator of Wattpunk?"

The contestants all chewed their bottom lips and gazed desperately around the room for inspiration. Even the judges looked blank before fiddling discreetly with their phones, searching for the answer.

Stonepunk scratched his head, picked his nose, then banged the small stone down on the table several times for good measure.

"Evan the Cross?"

"Well actually it's Tevun Krus, but that's good enough," declared MadMike. "We're running out of time, here."

"But-" Decopunk started to protest.

MadMike glared at him. "Enough! What part of 'my decision is fucking final' didn't you understand?"

"Moving right along, here is the final question for the night. Whoever answers this correctly in the next five minutes, will win the round. Ready?"

Everyone nodded, including the judges.

"List all the punk sub-genres... in aphabetical order!" MadMike grinned to himself. That would fix them. Bunch of losers this week, the lot of them.

"And your time starts... NOW!"

"Atompunk.. biopunk... no..." muttered Greenpunk, ticking off her fingers. Durrrr!

"USE YOUR FUCKING BUZZERS!" shouted MadMike, his face red. "Greenpunk, you're disqualified!"

Ding the ship's bell rang out.

"Piratepunk? Give us your best shot!"

"AcidPunk AtomPunk BioPunk BonePunk CandlePunk ClockPunk CommPunk, CyberPunk DecoPunk DesertPunk DieselPunk DreamPunk GothPunk GreenPunk LatinPunk MythPunk NanoPunk OceanPunk PiratePunk Post-CyberPunk Punk-Wars SamuraiPunk SandalPunk SkyPunk SnowPunk SpacePunk SportPunk StonePunk SteamPunk TeslaPunk WattPunk," squawked the parrot.

Everyone stared with their mouths hanging open.

Hastily, MadMike tried to pull himself together. "And the winner is... Parrotpunk... er ... I mean, PiratePunk! Congratulations!!!"

Gold confetti rained down from the ceiling and Piratepunk rushed into the centre of the room, the parrot hanging on grimly to her shoulder. They were surrounded by the other contestants and the three judges, all laughing and clapping her on the back, careful to avoid the parrot's beak.

MadMike turned to the camera with a wide smile, "So there we have it, Ladies, Gentlemen, and other Sentient Beings. Piratepunk is our Round Two winner. Tune in next week for Round Three of Punk Wars! The most popular reality show this side of the Milky Way!"