A Heart of Snow ✓

V. Grief & Passion

For some reason, the dark, buried stone halls felt colder than the winter weather that, still days later, warred outside. A more fanciful girl would have believed that nature had bent its ear to her, that the storm was a mirror of the turmoil twisting inside her own heart. I lost my fancy when my father died, though. Actually, I lost a lot of things.

Sometimes I wondered if it was normal to feel so frozen by grief and so burned with passion that all that remained was stoic numbness. Was it normal to lie to everyone around and feel nothing, to become whoever the person looking at you expected you to be, to distantly arrange tragic events the same way you might arrange tea? Surely it couldn't be, and yet that was my condition more often than not.

And I would have given anything to feel that way right now.

Instead, my nerves were jittering, stomach churning, and throat burning from the tears I had finally walled up early this morning. Last night, I couldn't sleep because I knew what today would hold. I had cried so hard my whole body had trembled, and I was still sore from it. That pain would be a constant reminder through the coronation this evening. For the first time in my life, I was sick with myself.

I've never revealed what I felt, though. Now was no time to start.

I swallowed down a strange swell of emotion as a Warrior led me through the dungeon, stopping in front of the source of my distress. I don't have to be here, I remind myself. I could still leave.

The Warrior gestured. "He's here, your Majesty."

Pushing away my cowardice, I nodded gracefully. "Thank you." He deserves this much at least.

The Warrior bowed and left.

I stepped into view of the cell, my robes trailing on the floor. A torch on the wall behind me revealed Reth's shocked face. My heart twisted to see him like this, disheveled, scared. Imprisoned.

He shot to his feet. "A'snowlyne!"

A sad smile touched my lips. "Reth."

He grabbed the bars desperately, and I step forward, my hands coming to cover his. Even though he was the one who had been stuck in the dungeon, his skin was surprisingly warm. It comforted me, and the fact that it did disgusted me.

I couldn't bring myself to pull away, though.

"What's going on?" he asked, eyes wild. "Nobody saw me place the heart, Snow. I made sure of it."

I hesitated, unable to bring the truth to my lips.

"I swear, A'snowlyne! No one saw me. Why am I here?"

"Reth. I-" My weak smile fell, and I struggled to pull it back up. "I'm sorry."

Apprehension etched his face. "Sorry for what, princess?"

You're scaring him, Snow. Coward that I was, though, I didn't console him and I didn't answer him. "Queen, actually," I corrected softly. "My coronation is within the hour."

"Sorry for what?" he insisted.

You always were persistent, weren't you? Melancholia swept through me, but I tried to hide it. That's why I liked you. Why I picked you. "Doing this to you," I answered finally.

"A'snowlyne-"

"I told you," I said quickly, feverishly almost. I had to make him understand, but there was no understanding this—I almost couldn't understand it. "I told you, that day in the practice room. Rulers must make sacrifices. Injuring me was yours. Getting injured—" I swallowed. "Getting injured wasn't mine, though." His lost, pained eyes almost broke me, but I pushed forward. He deserves this much at least. "It simply makes more sense this way. That's all. I swear that's all, Reth. I loved you."

"Loved?" Betrayal cracked his face, and I could see revulsion, fear, loss, and dread all displayed there, smothering what little hope remained.

My hands shook against his, but I try to fake a calm rationale. This was logical. This was safe. This was for Kylosia.

My heart ached.

Tremulous words I tried to force steadiness into stated, "People will ask less questions if you're punished along with my step-mother-"

His voice was flat. "You mean executed."

I missed a beat, tripping over his words. "They, they will ask less questions, and questions are the one thing I can't afford right now." Regret resonated in my bones, and I struggled to hide my tears. I didn't deserve them, and they wouldn't help him, but they wanted to fall all the same. "I am so sorry. I hope-" I choked over my words, but I forced my voice to steady before continuing. "I hope you can find some way to understand. Kylosia needs me. I can't fail now. I can't let this unravel."

"You could pardon me!" He threw his arms in the air, tossing my hands aside. Fury dominated his features. "You promised me we would marry, A'snowlyne. You promised I would be ruling beside you. Does your word mean nothing?"

"Oh, my love." My heart wrenched, and I whispered, "When has a courtier's word ever meant anything?"

He shook with anger, and I wondered if he would fly apart. "You used me."

My head dipped. "I'm sorry, love."

"Don't. Don't you dare."

I couldn't meet his eye.

"If I was your 'love,' A'snowlyne, you wouldn't be sending me to my death!" he shouted, and the last word echoed off the stone.

"Kylosia will remember your sacrifice," I murmured.

"You don't have to do this!"

Now I looked up. "But I do. I do, Reth, and I am so, so sorry." Heedless of my effort, tears escaped my eyes and ran down my face.

He snatched the bars, leaning as far forwards as they would allow. Though he was the one in the cell, for the first time, I was scared of him.

Or maybe I was just scared of me.

Voice low, he begged, "A'snowlyne. Please. Don't. Don't do this. We can work this out. You can pardon me. White Warriors are bound to follow a queen's orders. We'll claim I had no choice."

I wiped my eyes, careful to avoid smudging my coronation makeup. "But if I did that, they might find out the truth. And truth, Reth, is the most dangerous thing in the world." I offered him a trembling smile and forced out the words I wanted to say the least. "Goodbye, my love."

I started to leave but paused. "Thank you. For everything." My voice was barely a whisper, but it was perhaps the most heartfelt words I would say all day. He had given everything to me, and I was about to lead him into nothing.

Before I could lose the strength, I turned my back on him and walked away.

"A'snowlyne!" he called. "A'snowlyne, don't leave me in here! A'snowlyne!"

Each cry felt like shards of ice stabbing through my heart, but I kept walking. His words echoed behind me as I made it to the end of the hall, pulling open the dungeon door. Faint light spilled through.

"A'snowlyne, I love you!"

My steps faltered. You don't have to do this, I thought. But Kylosia needed a queen. Needed me. And I would be what she needed.

The door shut as I stepped through. I gave the Warrior waiting on me the fakest smile I ever wore and left the only living person who loved me to die.

My nursemaid had thought I was pure as snow. But she was just as wrong as she was dead. Destiny didn't come to those who were pure.

It came to those who were cold.