Work Out [frerard oneshot]

...

I miss you

I read the words, once, twice, three times over before putting my phone down. I didn't know how to reply, I wasn't even sure if I actually wanted to reply. I missed Gerard too. Of course I did, I always seemed to think about missing Gerard now, it was one of the biggest things that seemed to consume my mind lately.

He was always there, he was always niggling away at the back of my mind, telling me about just how lonely I really felt, just how lonely I got when I didn't have that man beside me. It felt weird, to say the least, I didn't have that constant company, I didn't have that constant presence right beside me. I missed that too.

Maybe the whole thing had been for the best.

I kept telling myself that, I kept saying it to myself in different sentences, trying to find a way to make it sound right, to make it sound as if those words had made any sense, to see if those words were holding any essence of the truth. I wanted them to be right, I wanted this whole break up to be for the best, to genuinely benefit us.

In a sense, it may have. Yeah, the break up did benefit us, but just at what cost?

I was moping to myself in my room, the curtains drawn and the lights off, the only source of light I had seen for the last ten or so hours being off of my phone. I should be happy. I could be happy. Instead, I was here, being miserable and not making the most of what I could in fact have. I was way too busy focussing on what I didn't have, I I won't have and what I did have, everything I had lost.

I sniffed back tears, telling myself how truly pathetic I turned out to be. All this moping and crying and sulking for what? Something that had happened over a year ago? Was I really that stupid and dumb?

Of course I was, it was clear I was still clinging onto something that was even there for me to cling onto in the first place. I had spent some time trying to revive something that we didn't want to put back together, something that none of us really wanted to happen again. Why would we want to bring something so special and extraordinary back to life and work it into the ground again?

Maybe we had done something too much with My Chem, we asked too much of ourselves and ruined something we should've stopped earlier. What Gerard had done had certainly taught me that we were all starting to drift, no matter the feelings I had for Gerard. We weren't necessarily in touch with each other for months before the break up, which now that I think about it, it was inevitable really.

Gerard didn't only break up the band that day, but he also broke up with me.

We stopped talking, several notifications coming through everyday whenever he decided to tweet, I always being the dick I was I hoped the tweets were going to be aimed at me. I kept in contact with everyone else other than Gerard, too afraid of choking up when I did speak to him that I would make myself look like a pathetic man that seemed to get so attached to people and won't let the past go either.

I was acting like a teenage kid that had just got dumped for the first time. The feeling is strange, not being quite used to the feeling of being alone and without anyone to spend the rest of your day with, the deep fear of the loneliness now coming to haunt you now that you had been dumped.

That was me, I had been haunted by the fact that Gerard and Mikey and Ray may have wanted to go their own way at one point and then I wouldn't have anywhere to go after that. I didn't want to leave this all behind, me sitting here debating about how I should answer Gerard's three worded message was enough to show anyone that saw me just how attached I managed to get myself to this band, this way of living, to Gerard.

I opened the direct message once more, mentally noting down the fact that Gerard hadn't even texted me, he messaged me on Twitter to tell me he missed me, meaning he didn't really expect me to see this or that he didn't even have my number in his contacts anymore.