Regrets

A Life from a Dumpster

"Regrets" Part 1:
A Life from a Dumpster,

#IamWriterTilo🖤

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Living life can be shattering. You may ask, when may it end; not life itself, but the steady infinity line of troubling situations. Everything you do causes an outcome. A good or bad outcome.

The name attached to my body, following me around like a puppy, is Jeh'voni, yep, Jeh'voni La-Vern. I was born in Atlanta, Ga; we know the city for rap & hip-hop. Atlanta is where I grew up and I still haven't vacated from it, yet. Most of the people that knew of me hated my guts. They are simpleminded, because they don't even know me. They stay worrying about Jeh'voni La-Vern. She's doing this, and she's doing that. They love speaking on my family and my situations. Girls most of the time envy me for just walking past them. I'm one woman you don't want to piss off. I will dig my horns directly in your heart, if you poke at the ticking-time-bomb button I have on me. No matter what I do, no one seems to care. So, why should I give a damn?
Do you know where I came from? I came from a dumpster. My non-biological parents found me with my birth certificate and any other personal information that I needed. I never knew who my actual parents were. The people who found me were drunk. They always hid my birth certificate from me when I started getting older. Finally, my non-biological parents were tired of going through so much so they fought to get custody of me. They did so much to get custody for me, like forge my proper parents' signatures. The worst part about the people who raised me is that they are not a suitable fit for parenting. I feel like part of the reason they took me in for the need of a home. I have thought about running away so many times, but I just knew it would not be easy at all for me. I was clueless about how to survive in the world as a pubescent teenager. That's exactly why I stayed, plus I didn't know anyone, not even a single soul. Nobody would want a clueless, hot-headed teenager. I've had this diary I've written for the longest, since I was nine years old. My diary is the only thing I trust. I always make promises to myself in my diary. I promised myself that making myself content is a lifelong goal.

"I will become a knowledgeable woman. They probably just see me as this bad-ass type of woman when I am so much more. Under-neath my skin under the walls of my rib-cage lies a heart full of aesthetic changes and unfamiliar emotions. Once I was told, my melted skin is deep in me like rich gold. Eying my body down as an hourglass curve with a delicate frame, my body becomes an image left in the back of your brain. My flat stomach will remain. Don't forget about a woman's mind, that's where her truth lies next to the heart."

The hilarious thing about most people is they judge and judge until you think unpleasantly about yourself. Individuals will try their best to find personal information on you to prove you are an absolute nobody, even if it's excellent information they will make it seem unpleasant. The world views me as a numb person for feeling like there's no reason to care about others feelings'. Maybe I care but just don't know how to show sympathy. Anyway! What do I need to care about? How do I even care? Taking in all the obnoxious pain will just cause unnecessary trauma. I don't know how it feels for someone other than me to care about myself. You guys should expect how I feel about situations. Jeh'voni knows if I died right now not a single soul would care. This explains why I am highly conceited and selfish. Thanks to my biological parents for not giving two shits about Jeh'voni La-Verne. My proper parents couldn't do a better job than deciding my fate leaving me in a dumpster. What's the purpose of asking them questions? There isn't a need for me to go out on a search for them. To Mr. and Ms., whoever you guys are before you left you made it clear how much you didn't give a fuck about Jeh'voni La-Verne in big bold print with the biggest banner you could find.

My drunk "ma", Miranda always says, "Voni you will not be worth anything when you get older".

Every time she gets pissed off at disappointments in her life, she blames me. She says, "I should have left you in the trash on the streets of Atlanta", which is some bullshit.
A woman like me is a panther; it explains me throughout the soul. Black is a color that symbolizes me; it means power and strength. My entire life has always been full of surprises and awful choices, but I'm resilient, baby. Breaking me is like breaking a brick of gold, difficult and useless. I'm like money; it always comes back. I love money. I'm a hard worker for getting my pleasures. Been standing on my feet since I was young getting what I need or desired. To let my old man tell you, I'm a money making bitch. The other supposed to be a parent, Steve, tells me all the time that's my biggest strength besides being a useless bitch. Miranda and Steve just did enough to keep my nose above water until a certain age. Miranda and Steve took me in because they thought one good deed will erase all the terrible deeds they have committed in life.

When I tell them about their carefree behavior here goes Miranda and Steve, "Girl we named you and let's not forget about the rescuing part".

One day I would wish for these dreadful memories to release out of my head. I think we've all considered that world peace is impossible. Perfection is only a dream we may decipher but to become is unbreathable. In life I need to flourish, I need to grow by understanding and overcoming every image I have become and every image I'm becoming; in better understanding in every present, I need to acknowledge my past and learn in the future. The universe is endless, you could never learn enough. The wise man would choose the long route on his journey, but the smart man would choose the short-cut. I hide the genuine me inside. No one needs to know. There's no point in explaining my value. If your soul is blinded from mines, then you're not meant to be in my life.
About love, I have never found it. Surprisingly, I'm a virgin. The men I have dealt with, I have felt like I owned them. The men were lost puppies, and they had nothing more powerful to bring to the table. I have never been your typical woman: not the one who's boring, not the woman who's good, not the woman who's bad, not the woman who's perfect, but I'm the mysterious woman who's unpredictable. They always say, "I never could figure you out, Voni".

"Voni Monroe, get up and go shake some ass. Stop writing in that damn diary,", the owner of the club said to me.

"Look, Haitian, don't worry about me, you know I make the most money in this bitch"!

Just as I looked up, I saw this hazel-eyed motherfucker staring at me, flashing about a band.

So I walked over, "Sir, what do you want from me"?

Then, I looked him dead in the eyes while rubbing his left thigh. I have intriguing eyes; the eyes that will make a dead man rise back into a breathable life. His soul will capture his body again before returning to life. I strut to the rhythm of my beat, needing nobody's validation with an attitude of a billionaire afraid to lose a thousand dollars in a bet.

I sat on his thighs with my naked ass out in a silver-shimmering thong.

He firmly gripped my ass saying, "If you let me take you home all this will be yours". Subsequently, he grabbed another band out of his pocket, making it two-thousand dollars.

A bitch like me got college in the morning. Should I go? I need money for college and for my apartment I'm living in. It's hard out here having no help from parents.

"Let me go get my bag from the dressing room!'

Walking to the back, it made me think about dangerous things happening to me while leaving with a complete stranger. I hope God keeps me safe because I really need this. In my bag, I had pepper spray and a gun. I know Miranda and Steve will not lend me a damn thing if I get put out of my apartment or lose my car. Steven shouldn't hate on Miranda's and my relationship.

The only generous thing that "ma", Miranda has said to was, "Jeh'voni, I may fuck up all the time as a drunkard and can not raise you properly, but I know who you truly are. You have the beautifulest heart underneath the thick skin and thick walls you have built."

Miranda would get like this when Steve would leave her, but he always came back. I never understood how she could let Steve turn her into this no good of a woman. Steve is the definition of a lifeless man. Ma is so head over heels for Steve. He could not give one fuck about her. She would break her back for Steve while he wouldn't even breathe for her. I've always wanted to ask Miranda, why Steve? I never could bring myself to ask her because of the thought of how much trauma that question could cause. We are already going through hell now, imagine if the wind from that question caused a hell tornado, an enormous ring of fire. Steve sees me as this threat in his life, thinking I could rupture the chain he has around her neck. He expects Miranda would drop it all for me one day. I don't see how he expects that; it's too late for that now, I'm twenty-one.

"BITCH! Where are you about to go?", Dime said.

"Girl, just know if I don't make it back in time for classes call me. If I don't answer, call the police. This man is paying me two bands just to leave with him," Dime peeked around the corner to get a sympathetic glance at him.

I rarely left the club with unfamiliar faces.

"I believe you will be fine. Just know I got you, girl, and he's sexy as hell."

I went back out to let him know I was ready, and that I had all of my belongings.

"I'm over there parked in V.I.P.," he said while unlocking his luxurious car."

I hope you guys enjoyed! Will be continued..Part 2: Voni Monroe by Night 😳