I suppose i should begin by telling you that i realy dont have any problems with my life, as angsty and sad and depressed i seem as a teenager my life is relativly "good". My parents arent abusive, im not bullied at school i dont ahve any illnesses (knock on wood), and there arent any serious terrors in my past. Interestingly enough this is my problem, the fact that i have none. Several of my peers have had tragedies occur in their past that it seems have given them a deep and powerful understanding of life. ranging from things as drastic as sexual abuse as children, to as common as living with a life where parents are no longer married. But in my case aside from not being the most popular kid in middle school i dont have any visible issues. around my last year of middle school i realized this so i created a tragedy. you see whenever i wished to seem deep or needed a reason for the way i act in a particular situation i would tell this story.
i had a girlfriend once, one night at a party we attended shhe left early. out side there was a horrific sound of a car screech and she was struck by a car and layed dying in the middle of the road. I, of course cradled her body as they light drained from her eyes.
I dont know how many times ive told this fictional tale to people telling them of course please dont tell anyone. everytime i think about it it makes me sick i truly hate myself for telling that lie over and over and over. i suppose i expected it to transform me. perhapes it would become real if i told it enough and then, just like everyone else i too would finally have a deep dark secret that motivated me. Now i find that those with one great traumatic moment in there past are lucky. they were able to get it all out of the way in an instant. unfortunatly for me my traumatic moment in infinate thousands of situations forming and shaping me...ripping me to pieces.....breathing starts to get hard.
truth always,
~Z
