One Lifetime Only

Razzle Dazzle

The trip from our house to the once empty grass lot, then a booming circus, was excruciatingly slow. The lot was used for all sorts of things like fairs, fund raisers, public speakers, and town picnics. But the only thing that everyone in town showed up to the lot for was the circus.

We had to walk because mother's car had been taken by the bank along with almost everything else we had. I held on to mother's right hand as Eliot grabbed her left like we always did and she squeezed our small hands tightly. From afar it must have looked like a loving gesture. But at a closer look anyone could have seen that she was holding us back. If it were up to Eliot and I, we would have run all the way to the circus. Except dolls don't run. Even though we had practically vanished for a year and a half we still had to act perfect, no exceptions. Each time we came close to breaking that image, Mother would grip our hands so tight we would stop immediately.

Back then, we were too excited to care. We thought it was normal. It was our fault anyway. We had let ourselves become wild children as we took care of ourselves, instead of staying the perfect children with perfect behavior. Now, I see that she was afraid. She was afraid that people would think that she had failed as a mother. Too bad she already had.

I could tell were were getting close to the grass lot even though the walk was slow and dreadful. Mother had to tighten her hand around mine every few steps and eventually kept a steady pressure. Her knuckles turned write as my fingers turned purple. I didn't care, I was too excited. I kept looking over at Eliot with anticipation. There was a glint in both of our eyes. This was it. After this night everything was surely going to go back the way things were. We still had hope.

Finally we turned the last corner on the last block, and there it was. I squinted my eyes trying to read the large flashing sign that hung over the main entry. The Callahan Brothers Circus. We were finally there. No more pretending what was behind the curtains. No more imagining the crowds. No more thinking what impossible wonders there would be. We were going to see for ourselves.

Mother's hands clamped so hard, that ours began to throb and turn deeper colors. But as we got closer she became excited too. At least, I thought it was excitement. Maybe she talked more out of nervousness than anything else. But she still pointed at the amazing things that mine and Eliot's eyes missed as they ogled at everything.

It was astonishing from a far, all light up in motion with the sun setting behind it. There were several peeks of larger tents that stood out from those at the front and the large fairess wheel that never left the ground lot. It was permanently staked into the ground, but it never looked like it belonged. Then it did. Like I said before, the entire town was there, and I had never realized how many that was until I saw them all walking to the main entrance. Families stayed close together as the crowed packed in and pushed inside. People yelled at each other across the mass of people and pushed to get in front of others.

You noticed the smell first. Even before we steped under the flashing sign the sweet smell of fried and greesy foods filled our noses. Our stomachs growled and begged for just a taste while our noses seeked for more. There had to have been tons of cotton candy, because you could smell that too. It hung in the air and clung to you like the sticky goo on your fingers. Underneath the beautiful smells of food and sweets there was the unmistakable smell of the animals. I didn't mind it though, it wasn't too strong out in the open. At the time I even thought it wouldn't really be a circus without the smell of the animals.

When we finally reached the gait it was like nothing we could have ever dreamed of. Our father's stories and tales did not do what we saw justice. I thought my heart was going to burst from the excitement all around me. There were mother's yelling for their children, children begging their parents to let them have a stuffed elephant, people in tall hats and flashy cloths beckoning for you to come see the mystic beings that only tragedy could create. There were groups playing loud and cheerful music for the crowds, and others who played for the dancing women, contortionists, and my favorite, the dancing monkeys.