My Dear Angels - A Letter

Copyright © 2012 Chantal Fredette

All rights reserved.

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I wasn't pregnant nor have I never been pregnant. I had an appointment with my doctor and I just wanted to discuss my options if the day ever came of me being pregnant, about what we would do with my medications.

I thought a lot about it, I would never have an abortion (I'm not saying its wrong), it would just kill me emotionally and I knew I would never recover from that.

Adoption, as good as it is, I wouldn't be able to let go, even if I knew it was for the best.

I couldn't have a child and hurt them in any way, any part of him or her. To be a bad mother, and not do everything to make them happy.

Also, I didn't want to live with the fact that if my child had the same mental illness as me, the pain he or she would be in. (I've lived in the 'darkness', seen a lot of things (real or not), heard thing (real or not) I didn't want that life for them.

I decided with...a hysterectomy.

That way, no matter what, none of the things above would ever happen to my child or children.

In the hospital, waiting to be called to get ready for surgery. I held my mothers hand. I heard them say my name and I turned to my mother, tears in both our eyes, "Bye Bye baby" I whispered to her. She repeated the same 3 words back to me. We said our, I love you, to each other and I got up and left. (My father was at work)

Since I woke up, after the surgery, my mind always looks back, wonders if I made the right choice. The 'what if's'...

A year late, after my surgery,, I was told to write a letter, to get all the things I was thinking out on paper. To move the grieving process along, since I was still at step two. Since then, I do look back, I know that's normal. Seeing my friends with their kids or when they announce they are pregnant. I feel the jealousy but also, I'm so happy for them. I still have a long road ahead. (Sorry it took so long to get to this part, I needed to explain a little more than just give out the letter, most people wouldn't understand it nor my reasons behind it.)

This is my letter...

My Dear Angels,

Since I was a little girl, I knew one day I wanted children, to carry you inside my stomach, and to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy with each and everyone of you. To see my stomach grow everyday, to go to the doctor and hear your heart beat, to feel you move in my stomach and love you more and more each passing day. To share the news of you with my husband, family and friends. For you to kick and my husband to put his hands on my stomach. To laugh and be so excited to bring you into the world. You see, I wanted three of you. It didn't bother me if it would be girls or boys but I wanted you to be happy, healthy and safe. To see my kids look a little bit like me, but be healthy. I wondered what colour hair you would have, the colour of your eyes and how tall you would be.

I would have loved to see you born, to hear your first cry and to hold you in my arms for the very first time. To see you crawl for the first time, and your first steps. To hear your first word, I always wondered what it would be. To hear the sound of your voice. See you play with your little friends and your little cousins. To bring you to the park and hear you laugh as you go down the slide. The sound of your laugh and giggles as I tickle you. Your very first day of school, I would have been so proud of you. Help you with your home work, help teach you the ABC's and how to count. Be with you when you have to see the doctor, to kiss your bobos away. To kiss and hug you everyday and tell you I love you so you always know you're in my heart and on my mind. See your school plays, bring my camera and make sure I had all the pictures of you and show them to everyone. Everyone would know how much I love you and how proud and lucky I would be to be your mother. To see you make mistakes but pick yourself back up and try again.