Pretty Bad Things [Sample]

Pretty Bad Things : I'm an Introduction Expert

Chapter One: I’m an Introduction Expert

I’m the biggest dork you will ever meet, but I have a secret list that if anyone ever read total humiliation would ensue, because, I, Livvie Jefferson, do not do trouble. Mostly because I can’t seem to do trouble well. I’m the type of person who nearly dies from asphyxiation at the thought of ditching class or not following an order. I lack lady balls, but at least I’m aware.

How did my list come about? This is the part where I go into flashback and delve into some meaningful detailed exposé. The actual list came to life behind an old receipt I had left over in my purse. In fact, the actual print on the receipt depicted the sorry purchase of maxi pads and ice cream, a lethal combination, maybe even more embarrassing than my actual list. But, since we’re talking about the list I might as well get on with it.

#1 Date a guy who rides a motorcycle.

Sure, the idea of potentially having my head knocked off by some misplaced construction beam or simply falling off the side has crossed my mind, but I seriously just want to get on one. The motorcycle, not the boyfriend, although that comes later.

#2 Spit in Mrs. Lasowski’s morning coffee.

Okay, the lady has this one coming to her. The day I get to spit a big fat loogie into her drink will be the day I can just die in peace.

#3 Steal a credit card.

I’d probably panic and buy a lot of dumb things with it, like maybe a lifetime supply of toilet paper, but that wouldn’t stop me.

#4 Get drunk off my ass butt for the first time.

My mom gave me a sip of her wine cooler that one time, and I thought the world spun right after for a bit. Turns out I just had some bad tuna salad earlier on in the day, but I’d like the feeling back, without the vomiting and diarrhea though.

#5 Lose my V Card.

I know what you’re thinking. Your V Card is precious, you can’t just punch holes in it and get a free drink, yada, yada… But, do V Cards have expiration dates? They do! It’s called menopause and I’m not getting any younger.

Some of those are more cringe worthy than others, but the point is that I’ll never get it done. It’s just a silly list I made up one day as I realized how boring my life was, and definitely not a list that I’ll ever cross things off of. Yeah, sure, I carry it around with me everywhere, even though I know I shouldn’t because no one should ever read it in my lifetime, or ever. Regardless, I’m perpetually stuck in my boring small-town life, but hey, at least I have my list.