waistdeep [CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH MINOR CHANGES]

chapter 3: thinking about you

hi. i honestly think i'm writing crap so sorry if it sucks and all that promise you it will get better...someday.

sorry if chapters are short, they will get longer in the process. i promise you anyway i just wanted to say thanks for reading this far to those who have read this far and sorry for the short chapter again...

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I drove on and on until I just got sick and tired then I stopped driving and turned the music up. Thinking about you by Frank Ocean came on and I just broke down...AGAIN

It was his favorite song. We always sang it together and now I guess I’m singing alone.

I could feel the eyes of people looking at me but right now I just don't care anymore....my best friend ain’t with me and life is just a sad excuse for breathing.

"A tornado flew into my life before you came. Excuse the mess it made......I’ve been thinking about you. Oh Na Na got me thinking about you oh Na Na na got me thinking about you, do you think about me still do you huh Stevie. OR DO YOU NOT THINK SO FAR AHEAD. I THOUGHT YOU'D LIVE FOREVER.OOOOOH OR DO YOU NOT THINK BOUT OTHER PEOPLE INSTEAD." I was way past screaming it sounded like a cat dying and trust me it sounded horrible. Thank god cars are sound proof...maybe not that sound proof since everyone passing gave me looks of pity. I had to leave before I self-destruct.

I wiped my tears and drove back home...sigh.

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I opened the door and was greeted with the sight of my mother sitting there looking irritated.

"What did I do now?" I asked. Seriously I had no time for these petty arguments anymore. I’m tired of trying to fulfill her needs, time to think about mine.

"Where were you Rochelle?" my mother asked.

"I just came back from school, anything wrong with that?"

"Why are you lying to me? WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME DAMN IT!" she threw the lamp next to her on the ground and it smashed. I’m in shit. This never happened before except for that one time.

 "I’ll ask you for the last time. Where the fuck where you and why are you arriving at 9 o'clock at night," she was whispering very slowly and it scared the pants off me.

"Mrs. Thrashfield had to tell me something about Steven. Sorry mom please forgive me." The look in her eyes told me she wanted to kill me, she wanted me to feel pain. 

My mom has problems, she can't contain her anger that sometimes leads to things she can't control and they make me hate her so much. Don’t get me wrong she's never abused me... yet. I wonder what I ever did to get a dysfunctional mother, why me. She’s fine but at home she just changes and whenever you talk to her you have to step on eggshells, make sure you don't say anything that angers her or else she turns to an untamable beast. At the end of the day she's still my mom and I love her...I think.

"Go to your room before I do something I regret," I thought I heard sorrow in her voice, but I wasn’t going to question that when she let me off the hook. Sometimes I think she doesn't love me.

When I reached my room I threw myself on the bed. My life was fucked up, may not be fucked up as others but it still is fucked up. So fucked up.

That day I went to sleep... I’m lying I didn't sleep I was listening to my mom screaming in her room till 2 a.m. truth is I was scared of going to check up on her in case she sees me as a punching bag. but her screaming consisted of 'I’m worthless trash' and 'my family hates me' and 'they left me' and 'my only daughter left doesn't love me no more because she's fucking scared.' and 'she doesn't know how much I love her because I’m a monster' and that's what I had to deal with today and I actually felt guilty, guilty for hating her, guilty for being ashamed of her, guilty of not being for her when she needs me the most.

She was all alone in her room, probably rocking back and forth, trying to rid away all the demons inside of her. My mom wasn’t always like this, she used to be your mother next door. Used to wake up and cook these to-die-for meals and now all we eat are leftovers from, and she blames herself for everything that’s happened.

That’s when I thought that she's wrong...she’s not worthless trash.

In this case I’m the worthless trash...

I couldn't even stick next to my own mother, I know it ain’t her fault she's like this, it’s something we experienced and it ruined our family but it took a toll on my mom mainly... and now she has no-one to stand by her and support her through the pain she's feeling.

From this day on I’ll help my mom out.

I'll be the daughter she needs and loves.

I think the first step to helping her out is therapy.

Yeah I think therapy is the answer.

I also need therapy to help with my own demons...

But not now some other day. Maybe once I get some sleep I’ll be able to think things through.

Some other day everything will be okay.

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and that's it....

short: i know

am i sorry: totally

will it be better next time: absolutely

shoud you comment: heck yeah

should you vote: maybe not *but hope you do*

should you follow: do i even need to answer this one of course you do

shall see you guys next time

don't forget to comment, vote and follow

mwah

love you guys

ALWAYS + forever

that_kid_linny *_*

deuces

P.S i've been thinking about you