Critique person #2
The Dream Sparrow by fictionaljournalist
Rates : 6/10
First I would like to tell you I like your style of writing. The way you squeeze in bits and pieces of your personality is very good, just watch that you don't do it too often because it can make the reader confused. Which is actually why you didn't get higher marks. It has been done before that someone is searching for a magical creature in a mysterious place but you have put your own personal touches on it that make it original.
Characters:
I love how adventurous your main character is. The characters you have so far are very differen't from each other and I really like them. Your names are extremely differen't which fits in with the type of story your writing.
Plot:
I don't know what to say about the plot. Its the type of book that should drag me in, but Isn't really doing the job. I feel like its all about the traps, get some more excitement in there! Its a place that should be beyond my imagination and there isn't very exciting things happening. I'm sure there will be, just try to make them happen soon so that the reader doesn't get bored.
Grammar:
There is a bit of weird spacing in there, and a couple of grammar mistakes that are quite noticeable , just try to get a hold of that.
Overall opinion:
The plot is good and the characters are good, just try to get them to flow about more smoothly. Explain everything the characters are seeing. This is supposed to be a magical place after all. So make the descriptions magical.
Good luck with your story:) I hope I have helped.
