Living With Myself

Happy Birthday To Me

I turned 20. There were no celebrations. There was a fog of painful memories that i seemed to drift through. 

My life has been a train wreck so far. Am I to blame for what i have become?

I know the bad things that happened to me were not my fault but I feel like I could have tried harder to not let it destroy me.

I let myself down. I threw my life away and I sat and cried for opportunities lost. I should have fought it. I was better than this. Was. 

Last night I thought to myself "no more!" and I snapped. "I am taking my life back."

I dialed his number and I told him what I waited nine years to say. 

I told the truth.

I pushed my father from my life and locked the door behind him.

I am free.

I no longer have to live a lie to spare his feelings. He chose her over me. I choose me over him.

It is a horrible and difficult thing to throw ones parents away. However it was necessary for me to survive. I did not do it to disrespect him or to hurt him. I did it because he had never loved or supported me. He brought me down.

He tried as best he could but he was weak. That is not his fault but neither is it my problem. I have lifted that burden from my shoulders and today I am stronger for it.

I hurt for a love lost but that wound will heal. I do wish things had have been different but they weren't and now I have to play the hand I was dealt.

Amongst the anger and guilt I feel there is the warm glow of hope. I can live my life now and so can he.

It was never meant to be.