don't listen » soonhoon

09

they say time is medicine, but for jihoon, he knew that nothing would ever change. he would always be waiting - waiting for his best friend to come back.

soonyoung had never made it into a dance group. in fact, he became unable to dance. the one thing that made the boy who he was, was cruelly ripped away from him as his body deteriorated into a useless wad of bones and flesh.

jihoon spent his days watching old videos of soonyoung dancing. he'd done every concept, from sexy to cute. he could do anything. he was born to dance.

along with his other possessions was a notebook filled to the brim with choreography ideas. as jihoon flipped through them, he couldn't help but laugh as he read soonyoung's little comments here and there. Jihoon would rock this part. This is when the crowd goes wild. Remember to scream!!

jihoon traced the pages with his finger, admiring soonyoung's unique handwriting script and rough drawings.

there was also a video on a usb. the nurse told jihoon that soonyoung had asked her to help him record it a few weeks ago. but jihoon couldn't bring himself to play it.

he held the box of soonyoung's possessions close to his chest as he rode the train back to busan. he felt nothing but emptiness.

• • •

it wasn't until a few years later when jihoon would be brave enough to learn the truth. the video told him everything - soonyoung had been tentatively diagnosed with als, a disease which made you unable to move. his parents had decided to move him to seoul for supportive care, where his body had slowly begun to deteriorate.

jihoon learnt that soonyoung couldn't bear to tell him the news, so he covered it up with a lie. he was scared, terrified. he didn't want to die - he still had so much he wanted to accomplish. he was going to become a name to remember in dancing history. he was going to stay by jihoon's side through all the successes and failures.

jihoon also learnt that soonyoung loved him. he loved him so much, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. but he couldn't - and for that, he couldn't bring himself to keep in contact anymore.

with every text, soonyoung was a step closer to death. with every call, soonyoung fell deeper in love with a boy he could never be with.

wonwoo had come back to busan a few months back, rekindling his friendship with jihoon over time. they managed to reopen jam jam after a threesome place decided to shut down. jihoon made sure that everything was the same, right down to the potted plants next to the window.

but while wonwoo had brought back a tall, gorgeous hunk of a boyfriend with him, jihoon had nothing. his sunshine had succumbed to the darkness.

it wasn't entirely bad, though. he'd reconnected with many of his old friends from university - seungcheol and joshua, who attempted to cheer jihoon up by taking him to an amusement park and screaming his ear off on every roller coaster - as well as making some new ones in chan and minghao, two dance students who had been close to soonyoung back when he was in pledis university.

no one could fill the void soonyoung left in jihoon's life. but it was a start.

"i guess you were right... i'm really not fine," soonyoung said with a strained laugh. jihoon didn't feel triumphant in the least that he was right. "but, jihoon... don't... be too sad! i'll always... be in the stars. watching you become... a world famous... producer!"

jihoon was watching the video for the umpteenth time. he could never make it through without stopping to cry.

"don't wait for me. don't be... scared." he smiled a genuine smile. "and don't listen... in secret." he winked with mild difficulty, and the screen went black.

"yo, jihoon," seungcheol swung into his peripheral vision. jihoon realised he was still in the library. he furiously wiped his eyes as seungcheol spoke. "mingyu and i are heading to jam jam. wanna come?"

jihoon stared at his laptop. the video had ended, and the thumbnail of soonyoung's smiling face popped up. "sure."

jihoon would never be able to say goodbye to soonyoung. he would also never forgive soonyoung for leaving him clueless for so long. but over time, he began to understand - in the end, soonyoung always cared for jihoon the most. he didn't want to be in jihoon's life for a while just to leave it.

nevertheless, jihoon wished he could've spent more time with soonyoung. jihoon would probably always regret not being able to completely appreciate his presence and tell him how beautiful he was. jihoon knew he'd never be able to talk to him again and hear his infectious laugh.

but he knew that wherever soonyoung was, he'd be listening.

- end -