Darkness.

Darkness. 1.

My fingertips fought with the sealed bottle, mind filled with thoughts to it's maximum capacity. Tears staining my cheeks and pooling dry puddles on my acid wash shirt. I had thought about this moment in my head for quite sometime, the current situation not new to me so I couldn't explain the consistent uncontrollable shakes that dominated my body.

Before, everything was so easy, before I couldn't dream of doing anything thing like this, before I woke up content and happy for the day ahead. Before, a smile was never thought of as a foreign thing, it was just normal. Normal, the word sounded strange on my tongue. It'd been a while since things were normal or remotely similar.

It's funny how things change, the things we can't change ends up changing us.

The echoing pop of the lid filled the silence of the room. Fresh tears escaping the border of my clouded green eyes. My eyes flickered from the bottle to the reflective glass set in front of me . The seriousness of everything kicking in. Growing up i never expected any of this.

As a little girl I never dreamed of growing up to be someone so broken. My face stained with the salty drops of emotion, make up streaked, hair messy and tousled from the harsh gripping in frustration. My bottom lip quivered, biting my lip harshly attempting to muffle the loud sob erupting through my fragile body.

At this point there is no stability In what so ever my body numb and knees weak, the combination making my knees buckles beneath me, the plastic bottle falling from my trembling hands white powdered pills scattering around the room. My back sliding down the firm, hard, papered wall behind me, my knees were brought up to my chest, unknowingly and unwillingly rocking slowly, forwards and backwards. Feeble hands racking through my lengthy brown hair. Tugs getting tighter and harder with every excruciating scream until the point where I was choking on my own breath, sobs and screams.

Hands dragged down my face leaving trails of red behind, the pain not phasing me, the coolness of the tiled floor seeping through the thin layer of clothing I'd worn through the night. The cold relaxing my body, screams ceased I hiccuped on my own cries. I hugged my knees tight.

What have I ever done so wrong to be stuck like this?, I wasn't living a life, far from. I was only breathing, there was no 'life' let inside me whatsoever, the darkness inside consumed it long ago. My eyes were fixed on the corner of the room, staring at nothing in particular, just too tired to focus on anything. 

My eyes tore themselves from the wall and to the floor beneath me. The prescription bottle swaying slightly, the white capsules piled in a mountainous heap falling out of the neck of the bottle.

My hand reaching out, slimming over the checkered tile towards the bottle and it's pooling contents taking the handful of the pills. Fresh tears running down the surface, burning my eyes.

My hand full like a basket. My breathing erratic, but strangely my heart calm and unphased from the situation. There was nothing to panic about, I had to do it, like you have to breathe. It'd grown so hard, people always say they're there but when you really need someone it's as if you're the only person on the planet, you're fighting the war on your own against a full army.

I lost the battle.

My grip on the pile grew tighter, some falling through the gaps of my fingers like sand. My hand shaking harder every time it brings the pills and inch closer to me, my nerves erupting through me like a volcano, pills spilling over the side. I grabbed my wrist my free hand supporting it and attempting to settle it's shaking nature, guiding it towards my awaiting mouth.

The powered capsules spilled into my mouth one by one, choking when there was too many occupying my mouth. The swallow of approximately 11 pills is one of the most wicking things to experience, the pressure of the capsules sliding down my near closed throat from all the crying all pointed in different jagged directions, the powdered after taste lingering in my mouth, gag reflex kicking in, a powdered mess being spluttered out the space beside me, a pool of saliva occupying it.

I pushed myself from the floor rushing to the basin, hands racing to turn the nob and let the pure fresh water run.

I used my cupped hands as a cup pouring water into my longing mouth. The liquid healing my sore throat. I rushed to the kitchen, pouring myself a large glass and returning to the sanctuary of my bathroom.

Who knew so much preparation would go into this.

My hand scoured the floor for more tablets, they were like an addiction when you're in this frame of mind.

I grabbed the bottle pouring some of its contents in to my gaping mouth, the bottle resting on my dry, chapped lips, I repeated the same process each time, tip gradually swallow and rinse the foul after taste with the cleansing liquid.

My head clouded and fuzzy, unable to process thoughts correctly. The amount of medication I had just consumed baffled me. My hands gripped the wall and basin attempting to support myself and drag my fragile body up. The strong effect of the overdose quickly reacting within my body, disconnecting my mind from my body.My legs like jelly, unable to cooperate and giving in beneath me.

My body weak, voice dry and cracking through my sobs growing progressively louder.

This is the end. I'm lying here alone cold and crying just waiting for death the claim me and to take my mind and body to live in the darkness, where my soul has been for quite sometime.

I muttered words under my breath, barely enough to string together a sentence.

I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop..And this is the only way out.

I was a victim of my own mind..

My vision started to blur, my cries turning in to pitiful whimpers.  My eye lids drooping. They always say when you've exceeded the advised medication dosage not to give into the sleep and try and stay with it as long as you could possibly could but I wanted so badly to sleep through the journey to my awaited destination. The darkness. I was tired of the constant struggle, I was tired of fighting it, I just had to learn that I'd lost the battle, I was tired of faking a whole different persona to make others happy, I'm just tired of everything. I was just 100% done with everything, with my life, the things in it, me...I was tired of being me. And I think that's the worst thing you could ever feel in life.

I felt my body rush, I felt feverish. Beads of sweat forming and beading down my paling skin, ice circulating through my veins. It feels as though there was a hammer being whacked brutally throughout my brain/head.

I felt my body become heavy, the corners of my vision blackened, slowly wiping out all picture working it's way gradually to the centre.

This was going to my last memory, this porcelain bathroom would be the last thing I'll ever see, the sound of my heavy uneven breathing would be a last thing I'll ever hear, the last thing I would ever feel is the feeling of the plastic bottle against my clamy skin, the coolness of the tiles beneath me. This was the last thing I'll ever experince, me calling for death.

I'd never get to see my family again, grow old with everyone, I'd never get to say goodbye to my parents, my sister. I'm never going to have my first kiss, I'm never going to fall in love, have kids, have a family.. Im never going to have anything ever again.. it was all over and it was all because of my own doing.. There are people fighting for their lives everyday..Every minute and every second and here i am just giving mine up..

Salty tears stung my eyes and moistened my cheeks. Anxiety ate away at me inside, this was going to be the last time I ever cried, I would never smile again..

My head was no longer stable and fell from side to side, my neck was no support at all.

My head fell backwards, the rest of my body following, on the way down the side of my brunette covered head harshly impacted against the white porcelain rim of the toilet, helping guide me into a world of nothingness and a sea of black.

I was stuck in darkness.. so darkness I became.