Reasons Why

Chapter 3: A Letter to Drake

     Walking down stairs, I slipped on a black T-shirt. I saw some papers on the dining room table. I knew inside what they were but for some reason I was drawn to them. I leaned over and the feeling in my gut had been right all along. Divorce papers. I winced as if an invisible 2 by 4 just slapped me in the face, we used to have such a happy family. Sighing, I started to walk away but something caught my eye. It was a letter addressed to me which had no return address. It better not be another letter from that church saying how sorry they were for me. I picked at it until the envelope opened. I went to the very end to see who signed it.

                                                                                                                                   Love,

                                                                                                                                Laura

    Laura. The one person at church who had made me smile. I didn't know why she wrote a letter to me but I read it anyway.

Dear Drake,

    Hey, This is a letter I never thought you would be reading.

    Why wouldn't I be reading it?

The  point is that you were the one good thing that happened to me. We have known each other since we were still learning our abc's. What i'm trying to say is we have known each other for a long time. I share a lot of good memories with you. I'm not sure if you remember this or not but when I think about it I can't help but laugh. It was the time you were begging me for a drink out of my little Dixie cup. We were really close to the church where you could have gotten one but you kept insisting on having a sip of mine. I kept refusing. All of a sudden you raced a head to a puddle and drank out of it. I was so weirded out at the time I just gave you my water. I don't know why it makes me smile now but it does and I don't truly smile that much anymore.

   I did that to get her attention. It worked. I still can't believe that I drank out of that muddy puddle.

    Anyway I wanted to let you know that you are dear in my heart. You were the first boy I had ever had a crush on and I still do. You were the first boy people insisted that you liked me. You were the first boy that I let get closer to me. You were the first boy I didn't feel uncomfortable to be alone with. Let me clear things up for you.  I always think about you and I like you so much! I want to be the one in your life to make you smile all the time. Next, Josh, Corrine, and Abby all said that you liked me but I didn't believe them because I felt unlovable. Well at least I did when I wasn't around you. On church walks we would stay slightly behind the group ans listen to music. I felt like we were the church outcast but we were outcast TOGETHER. Also when we prayed in youth I remember one time you rushed in between the youth pastor and I. I didn't think much about it until when we were done praying, you held my hand a few seconds longer. Also it didn't bother you when I ate off your plate. What I'm trying to say is you made me feel special and I miss that...

    I wanted her to feel special. She deserved it. After I saw what her dad was calling her she deserved love. I just didn't have the guts to say that I loved her. I sill don't.

    Your family started tearing apart, giving you new things to deal with in life, leaving me with nothing but good memories. You started coming to church less which was one of my only connections to you. You stopped returning text messages. You were becoming more depressed as the weeks went on. Every happy day with you made me forget about the bad things in life but now there are nearly no more happy days between you and me. My depression crept back and before I knew it I was cutting again.You weren't the cause of one specific cut so don't worry. Your depression dead me back to cutting, that's it.

    She was cutting? Why didn't she tell me. More importantly why didn't I see?

    I still like you... a lot. I still want you to be the one that tries to hold my hand a bit longer but we can't all get what we want. Dreams don't come true. Besides, I don't deserve a guy to care about me. I mean,  I'm hard to handle sometimes, insecure, and defiantly selfish at times. Long story short, I don't deserve you.

    More like I don't deserve her. She's out going, funny, and, actually laughs at my jokes. I love her. I want her but I can't have her. Maybe I should call her and tell her these things. She deserves to feel loved.

    It was wonderful while it lasted. Drake, I hope your life gets better and you find the perfect girl to love. But remember, I will always keep you in my heart.

                                                                                                                          Love,

                                                                                                                         Laura

    She is the perfect girl, scars or no scars. I love HER. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to kiss her. I want to be the one who hugs her while she cries. I want her. I slipped the letter back into the envelope to find another piece of paper tucked in. I pulled it out, wanting to read her hand writing but afraid of to see what it says. I hear foot steps coming from the living room and quickly put it back. I would read it later. I dropped the envelope in my lap top case before anyone could see it. I turned quickly to see who was coming. It was my dad.

"Are you ready for school?"

I wanted to answer no. I wanted  to ask to be left alone with a phone in hand but as usual I didn't say what I wanted to say. It almost hurt to reply with my lie.

"Yeah, I'm ready."