"I'm seeing someone else." The first words I hear waking up.
"Huh?"
"I met someone."
That wakes me up completely, "What the hell? It's like nine in the morning, go to sleep."
"Ev, I'm breaking up with you."
"No you're not," You'd think moving in together would solve all problems. "Is it because of not going to your mom's party? Dan, you knew that I couldn't, I had to study for the exam."
"No, it's not that. I met someone."
I attempt to stand up but my legs are tangled in the sheets, I struggle with them for a bit but give up.
Dan sighs, "I didn't do anything like cheat on you."
"You did, emotionally."
"I meant physically. I- I'm sorry, Eve."
"You're serious,"
"Yeah."
"We just moved in together..."
"I know, you can keep the place, I'll pay this month's rent to make it up." Dan says. The way he says it wasn't exactly eager but like he was glad I didn't make a big deal out of it. We'll see about that.
"Um, no. I'm definitely moving. I don't need charity."
Dan runs a hand through his dark hair, "It's not charity... It's just... a thanks."
I raise an eyebrow, "A thanks?"
"Yeah, for a good time."
Dick. Asks me to move in with him then breaks up with me three days later. "How long have you been seeing this person?"
"A while."
"How long, Dan."
"A year."
"The hell?" I stand up this time without difficulty.
"I mean, we were friends but we grew feelings."
"Friend? Who is she? Tara?"
"Um... Andrew."
"Andrea?" I must have bad hearing.
"No, Andrew."
"You've got to be kidding me, he's a guy?" No shit, Eva. Have you ever heard of a girl named Andrew?
"I know, I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"One fucking year, Dan. You had the chance to tell me before I fell deeper."
"I know,"
"No you don't fucking know, it's a waste. All this shit."
"If it makes you feel better, I was going to propose."
That's it. "No it doesn't make me feel better, not at all. You're not breaking up with me, I am."
"But-"
"We're done, Dan. Now go run to Andrew. If I see you anywhere near me or my friends I will fucking pound that face in." That's a lot to say for a five-feet-six girl to a six-feet-one guy but I didn't even care, I took classes, I know how to take care of myself. "Now get out, I need to wear some clothes." I am naked after all.
***
"Don't you think you're being too hard on him?" Faye asks as she watches me search around the cupboards.
"No, ripping his balls off is being too hard on him. He had a fucking chance."
"So you plan on burning his clothes. I'd hate to break up with you." Luke says from behind me.
"It'll teach him." I say, pouring oil over his clothes.
"You do realize that you're going to leave him clotheless." Luke points out.
"No, he took most of his clothes, and he said he'd return for the rest but there's no sign of him." I spoke, reaching my hand into Luke's front pocket for a lighter. Once I got it, I pulled it out and lit it.
Faye eyes the lighter on my hand and takes a few steps back. She was one of those safety first type. "I really don't think that's a good idea."
I throw it into the tub despite her words and watch as the fire grows, burning the rest of Dan's clothes. "He deserves it. He had the nerve to break up with me after good sex too. No actually, that's complimenting him. I was the one doing the work while he just laid there. I should've known from then."
"Well..." Faye starts.
I look up, "What?" I glance at Luke to see him share the same uncertain expression Faye has on her face.
"It kind of makes sense now." Luke says.
"The hell do you mean?"
"Well, it was a bit obvious from the start. He wasn't exactly affectionate."
"So? Neither am I."
"No, he never ever kissed or hugged you in front of us." Luke says.
"Yeah, well he doesn't like public displays of affection."
"He waxes."
"Really? I thought he was just naturally hairless." I say sarcastically
"He barely has sex with you, even after moving in together."
"Which is such an asshole move and maybe he's asexual or something."
Luke sighs, "He's a perfectionist and gets snappy if I touch his shit."
"I- Luke, I cannot believe you! A straight guy could be a perfectionist." Faye jumps in.
"He does get really snappy. Oh my God, does he watch gay porn?"
"A lot of straight people watch gay porn." Luke states.
"He could be Bi." Faye suggests.
"He could. Or maybe a murderer." Luke jokes.
"Shut up." I slap his arm. "But I guess you're right, there were hints. I'm such a dumbass for not noticing."
"I mean, we didn't either. Sure we assumed but like, it was because of the damn tight pants he wears."
"First of all," I start, "you wear tight pants. Second of all, he doesn't wear tight pants."
Faye looks at both of us and shakes her head, "It's scary how Luke knows about your sex life."
"I know about hers as much as she knows about mines." Luke says.
"What sex life?" I ask.
"Exactly." Luke confirms, causing Faye and I to burst out laughing.
***
My phone wouldn't stop buzzing in my pocket and it is starting to piss the shit out of me.
"I'm guessing he found the remains of his clothes." Luke says.
"If he keeps calling, he's going to find the remains of his face."
"That doesn't make sense, Evangeline."
"It does to me, Lucas." I retort.
"That's not even my real name."
"I really don't care."
***
"Hey, Ev."
"Yes, Luke?"
"How are you three years older than me?"
"Because I was born three years before you."
"You old hag."
"Wrinkly balls."
"Wide vagina."
"Excuse me, my vagina is tight."
"I hope it isn't by surgery."
I shove him hard, "Nope, but you'll definitly need one after I'm done with you."
"Ooh, another pick up line?"
"No it's a drop off line."
"Very funny, Eva."
