Behind these blue eyes

Im Nothing

People think they know you, but in reality, they're just like the rest.

Anthonys P.O.V

Its about 8 o'clock now, Ian's in his room getting ready for the party and I'm watching tv. "So you're sure you're not coming?" Ian half yells from his room. He walks out and he's in a stripy black n white shirt and some black jeans. "Yeah, I'm not feeling up to it" "oh, too bad, seems like its gonna be fun" he grabs his keys and leaves the house but before saying "see ya later dude." "bye" i reply.

I go to my room and start to think about things, i dunno why i do this... But i do. And when i start this, i usually cant stop and end it tears or in a panic attack. I get them a lot... I never tell anyone when I'm having one though, i don't need people to worry about me. Im the one that everyone else needs, theres no time for me. Its just how it is, and how i like it.

By now I've thought of just about every mistake I've made and now am in tears. Don't you just hate the feeling of when you cry? Your face stings, your eyes hurt like hell and your throat goes dry, and the worst part is... Nobody cares. I know that sounds selfish because i know people have a lot going on in their lives, but its how i feel.

I go to the bathroom and fix myself up a little, wash my face, comb my hair a little. Okay, looking better. I walk into Ian's room and look for his journal. Not under his pillow, not under the bed. After a minute i find it in his wardrobe on the bottom shelf. I debate whether or not i should do it... Hmm. On one hand i could not go through his things and risk our friendship of him finding out i read it. And on the other.. I could read it and help him get through this.

Okay, I'm going to read it.

I open it up to a random page

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear journal,

Today.was.horrible.

Ugh, i just wish my life could be normal. Like not having my father in jail, and not having a rumour going around that i raped Melanie. God, why does this happen to me? What did i fucking do.

I cut again today. It was probably the deepest i have ever done it, i really don't want to get addicted, but for some reason i like seeing the blood come out of the scars. I don't know why, but its like thats what i want when i cut. I need to see blood on my arm or I'm not satisfied. Its weird. I was 2 weeks clean but i guess it was too much today. I really don't want Anthony to find out, i have no idea how he'd react, it would probably ruin our friendship and he'll think I'm just a "cutter" ugh, i hate it when people say that.. Maybe if people weren't so fucking horrible to me, maybe i'd be happier. But life's never that simple is it. People think I'm just happy little Ian, with not a worry in sight. But no one gives a shit unless your good looking, or dying. I hate people treating me like I'm something less, not important, worthless. Im nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Im crying so much right now, oh my gosh, he's so upset. I wish i hadn't read that. Oh god. I..i don't even have words. I realise I'm crying really loud and start to go a little more quiet.

Okay Anthony breathe.

What am i supposed to do about this, do i tell someone, do i get him a doctor? I don't know...

Fuck

I hear a creak and shift my body.

Its Ian

He saw

He definitely saw