The Heartbreak

Chapter 3

“Is Joey coming?” Delia asked, her big eyes falling upon me with all the weight that an inquisitive eight-year-old could muster.

I looked at her briefly before turning around to stir the contents in the pot in front of me. Cooking was not my forte, but I did what I could to keep us properly fed and away from junk food, though it was probably unavoidable at least two or three times a week. Jo had taught me how to prepare the chicken casserole I was putting together; actually, she cooked it for us the first time we babysat Delia together.

“She’s not coming,” I muttered with eyes trained on the food.

“Shoot! I have to write a poem for school and she always has ideas.” Delia frowned at her notebook and then looked up at me smiling. “But I could call her, right?”

I shaked my head and swallowed hard. I wasn't ready for this. Not yet.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Dee.”

I knew she was not doing this to hurt me. Delia knew nothing about the breakup with Jo or the reasons behind it. Of course, that did not mean it was easy to hear. I had no idea how to tell her, knowing perfectly well that Jo was Dee’s hero. She loved her, and Jo had always included the squirt in some of our dates and as far as going to her recitals and Spelling Bee competitions. I didn't mind all that much because until Jo, it was just me and Dee.

“Why?”

I could not keep it from her, and it was probably better to just say it. Like ripping off a band-aid. It would not be easy, but Delia had to understand. Relationships were not forever; we both knew that from early age after our father had split, leaving us alone to deal with a broken-hearted mother who had not been able to pick up the pieces.

Taking a deep breath, I just told her.

“We broke up.”

In words, it sounded cold and simple. The breakup was neither. It had been one of the hardest things to watch Jo walking away from me with her tear-streaked cheeks, tears that I had put there. Her pain was my fault, but it was better now than later, when everything would be much harder to let go.

Dee’s eyes turned wide before she glared at me.

“You didn’t break up. She’s mad at you, that’s why you don’t want me to call her. You broke up with her. You did something to her.”

It felt strangely comforting to be blamed, for someone to tell me I was the responsible one for our pain.

I knew I had done this to us, but I also knew no one would ever understand my reasons to do this. I had not just cheated on Jo with some girl I could barely remember in an alcohol induced stupor. I had planned it. It was a decision I made perfectly conscious of my actions. And in my mind, I justified it.

So when Dee stood up and hurried herself to her room, when she slammed the door closed, I had no problem accepting the anger of my little sister. After all, it was just a fraction of the hate and anger I felt against myself for doing what I did to Jo. To us.

Finishing the damn casserole seemed to take forever. My mind kept wandering off towards that morning, to the look in Jo’s eyes when she told me we were through.

I had not wanted for our breakup to be public. It was supposed to be a rumor first and then I would make it easy for her just by walking away, so she wouldn't have to deal with the shame. But with my planned mistake caught on video, I had made a bigger mess.

“Dee,” I called while holding the tray with a plate of food for my sister. “Come on. Open up. I won’t let you starve and you know that.”

The door clicked open a few moments later and I met the reddened face of Delia. She had been crying. How could children cry over something they could not understand? Why would she? It was not something that should've affected her this badly.

She let me come in, but did not speak. Delia hurried to her bed and sat there cross-legged, holding a plush cat tight to her chest; it was a gift Jo had given her for her last birthday.

I set the tray in front of her and for what seemed an eternity the two of us faced the other without a sound. That was until Delia decided to make the difficult questions.

“I’ll miss her, you know?”

“I know,” I whispered, without enough courage to look at her in the eye.

“She was the only one who cared about what I did.”

“That’s not true. I care.”

She took a spoonful of food and sniffled. “That’s not what I meant.”

Sometimes it felt like it was just the two of us against the world. At least that was how we both had felt until Jo showed up in our lives. She lightened the burden somehow when our lives seemed full of issues we could not figure out.

“Am I not enough?” I tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and she gave me a sorrowful look. “I used to be.”

“I just, I just liked how you were around her.”

Yeah. I liked how I felt around Jo, too. I liked her innocence and how she could make me smile when she laughed and brightened my day.

“We’ll be fine. You know that, right?”

“Will we?” Dee asked while playing with the food.

It was obvious neither of us felt like eating. The knot in my stomach had not eased not even a little since I had received the message with the link to the video that morning.

“We were fine before, Dee.”

Her bottom lip trembled and fresh tears rolled down her cheeks even if she tried to dab at them with the sleeve of her shirt before I could see them.

“We got by. That was not being fine, Mase.”

She was right, but I was sure things could change. At least I would do my best to give her a better life.

“I’ll miss the Rossettis. Joey’s parents were really nice to us and always gave me a free milkshake when we went to their restaurant.” She begrudgingly ate a bit more of food. “Chocolate milkshake. Will we ever go back there? Aren’t they going to be mad at us?”

I smiled a little at her worries. Dee had nothing to feel guilty about; she had done nothing wrong.

Leaning forward, I pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I think they will still like you, Dee. But I might not be able to go with you.”

“I won’t leave you alone.”

I snorted a laugh.

“Thanks.”

“I know you’re hurting too.” Getting on her knees, Delia threw her arms around my neck and hugged me. “And I’m sorry for being a nuisance when you wanted to be alone earlier. I didn’t know.”

I returned the hug and finally felt some comfort in the understanding of my sister.

“I’ll miss her too, Dee. I already do,” I murmured in a pained confession, realizing for the first time that my plan was not as flawless as I thought it was.