Sweet Satisfaction (Purple UGC Winner 2014)

Sweet Satisfaction - Forty

Forty

I spent the next few days at John’s bedside, holding his hand, and at Archie’s farmhouse, as he had offered to let us stay there (us meaning Mother, Father, Mary, Susanna, Emma, John senior Jacqueline, and myself.) John’s and my parents liked the idea of not having to pay to stay in hotel, as they were rather bankrupt after our over-the-top wedding, but had second thoughts when they saw the state Archie’s house was in.

Tape covered cracks in the windows, the wallpaper was peeling, the floor was cold black stone and pigeons nestled in the loft, where some of our beds were. The only modern device was a radio, which currently told us another battle was being fought as part of the Gallipoli Campaign, this time in a place called Gully Ravine.

Mother took the advantage of being in the New Forest, and took me on long walks through the woods, ‘wildlife spotting’. I know she was trying to take my mind off John, but after a while of crouching in the wet grass, the lenses of the binoculars cutting into the bridges of our noses, she must have seen some sense.

Susanna took a different approach and wanted me to let out my feelings. My pillow was already wet every morning, what more evidence did she want to help her understand that I was feeling terribly, terribly guilty? I was the last person to see Mr Crowthorne alive.

I couldn’t get out of my head the image of him slowly skidding towards me, swearing, blaspheming, with pupils like large moons, before that sickening smash. I replayed the scene over and over as if I were trying to torment myself further, and each time it became slower.

If only I hadn’t kissed John back, he could have steered around the bend and he wouldn’t have been lying in hospital. I should have been happy I was alright and he was alive, but I couldn’t. What if his condition worsened? All my actions that year had led to this big ball of guilt building up inside me. If anything else happened because of me, I think I would’ve exploded from the horror of having so many dreadful things upon my conscience.

I kept thinking ‘if only this’, ‘if only that’, but it didn’t solve my problems. Everyone thought I was rather heroic, for saving John’s life like that. They made me want to scream. I hadn’t saved Mr Crowthorne. But our parents didn’t care about that, did they? What would have happened if they had lost their ever so precious heirs on their wedding night? No-one understood me, what I was really going through. Except Susanna.

My talks with her, snuggled together on the bed in the loft, didn’t change anything but it was nice to know that someone else could feel the same way I did.

“I used to think it was my fault, that my parents were murdered, that I wasn’t there to protect them. Everyone would say ‘Oh, but you were only a baby, you couldn’t do anything,’ but I still felt responsible.”

“Why were your parents murdered?” I asked in a careful tone. Susanna let out a long sigh.

“My cousin and her mother wanted the family inheritance, so they murdered my parents. No-one except them and my wet nurse knew I had been born, so the inheritance went directly to my uncle, and when he died, it would subsequently go to my cousin. Then, a man came along, claiming to be my uncle’s son from a previous marriage. So he took the inheritance from his sister, and now his daughter will get it.”

“Oh my goodness!” My eyes were wide as I took the complicated story in.

“So do you want to claim the inheritance off of the daughter?”

“I did, because it’s legally mine, but…I met the girl a few months ago and now I’m not so sure.”

“Why?” I frowned.

“She’s the nicest person I’ve ever met and I wouldn’t want to hurt her any more, for she has suffered a great deal this year. Besides, she didn’t murder my parents.”

“Oh Susanna, you’re so kind.”

“I know, right?” she laughed, swinging her hair over one shoulder, cocking her head to one side, and gazing outside, out to the stars.