~My Dear~

Part IV

 I woke stiff and splayed across the leather seats of my truck. My seatbelt was jabbing uncomfortably into my neck so I sat up and clicked the button to release it, rubbing the sleep mark along my neck. My face and eyes were swollen from all the crying I'd done last night.

  The cool morning sun peeked through my windshield. My bottom lip trembled. Why couldn't I tell him I loved him? Why did I ruin it all? I pushed him away and he ran straight to Thea. She hadn't been right about how I'd lose him, but she had been right that I would.

  I rubbed a hand across my face sleepily and realized my hands were shaking. My phone was on the seat next to me, the screen lit up. It read: twelve messages. I looked out the windshield at the road. I should call home and let them know I'm alright, but I don't feel any urge to do so. Instead I feel empty inside. In a matter of hours I'd turned back into the shell of a person I'd been four weeks ago. The emptiness in the pit of my stomach was the depression. My old friend had decided to return after all.

  It was all over. I'd let him get close to me. I'd let him teach me what love was and now it hurt to lose it. I sobbed. My heart ached at the thought of my few perfect weeks now at an end. It wouldn't do me any good to cry anymore. Thea got what she wanted.

  I picked up my phone. I felt a sharp pang in my chest at the realization that none of the messages were from Quentin. The messages were all from home. I started the truck and pulled out onto the road homeward bound. My phone rang next to me. I glanced at it, but continued paying attention to the road.

  A sharp pain went through my chest. I calmed my breathing, trying to hold myself together long enough to get home, but the pain happened again. I massaged my chest. After a moment, I started wheezing and the pain intensified. I cried out.

  No. My heart couldn't fail on me now. I fell forward, losing control of my body and the truck. The truck horn blared beneath my weight. My stomach dropped into my throat as my eyes rolled back into my head and I lost consciousness.

..........................................

  My eyelids fluttered and I saw light for a few seconds. I repeated the action two more times before I could get my eyes to open fully. A wave on nausea washed over me and the room swam in my vision.

  "Eileen. Are you alright?"

  I tried to focus on the source of the voice.

  "How are you feeling?"

  I finally found the source. The nurse looked at me kindly, patiently waiting for me to answer.

  "I'm in the hospital." I croaked. It wasn't really a question, but the nurse answered anyway.

  "Yes. Here's some water."

  She helped me sip from a cup.

  "What happened to me?"

  "You were in an accident honey. Your heart gave out while you were driving."

  "Did I die?" I asked.

  "Yes. But you're back now, all safe and sound." She smiled.

  "My parents."

  "I'll get them for you."

  I nodded and relaxed into my pillow as she left the room. I died. It had been my biggest fear for so long. It's the reason why I hadn't wanted to get close to people--why I'd wanted to be invisible to everyone. But, I also came back.

  "Oh my God, baby! You're awake." My mom rushed to my side, my dad following close behind. She grasped my hand in hers. My dad gave me a small smile.

  "We were so worried." Mom said.

  "Just so you know, you're never driving again." Dad added.

  "Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry I made you worry."

  "We're just glad you're okay." Dad said.

  "Um...." Mom wiped tears from her cheeks. "That boy...Quentin..." She looked to dad to see if she got the name right. He nodded. "He's here to see you."

  They had no idea what happened between us. They still didn't know why I was out all night either or why my heart gave out. I didn't want to explain though. It would take too much time and I didn't want them blaming Quentin. I was just as much to blame.

  "Do you want us to send him away?" Mom asked as she watched the thoughts run through my head.

  "No. No, I'll talk to him." I smiled to reassure her.

  "Okay. We'll be right outside if you need us."

  I stared at my hands, fiddling with them.

  "Hey."

  At his voice, I looked up.

  "Hi."

  "They said if you hadn't been unconscious during the crash, your injuries might have been a lot worse."

  "Well, I'm okay."

  Quentin stood awkwardly at the end of my bed as the silence lengthened. Finally he sighed, looking down and when he looked up again, his eyes were wet.

  "Did I do this?"

  "No--"

  "Why didn't you tell me?" He struggled to compose himself. "Were you afraid I wouldn't feel the same way?"

  My hands shook and my eyes stung with tears.

  "I just--didn't want to hurt you."

  "And this is protecting me?" He asked incredulously and gestured widely to the room and me.

  My tears spilled over and I covered my mouth to keep from sobbing.

  "Eileen, I love you." 

  "What about Thea?" More tears spilled over.

  "I love you. What part of that sentence don't you understand?"

  "But you kissed her." I pressed my lips together as more tears fell and I tried to hide behind my hands.

  "Is that what she told you?"

  "I saw you, Quentin."

  "You're making assumptions because you still want to push me away."

  "I'm making assumptions because that's what I saw!"

  "Eileen, the stage was dark. She kissed me. I wasn't trying to hurt you."

  "Well, you did." I looked away from him.

  "Eileen."

  "Why did you let me go?"

  "What?"

  "That night. Why did you let me leave?" I demanded.

  "I thought that's what you wanted. You never truly let me in, did you?"

  I looked away again.

  "Stop being so afraid!" Quentin urged angrily.

  "I'm not afraid!" I shouted.

  "So prove it." He challenged, looking me dead in the eye. "Tell me."

  Could I say it? Quentin knew everything now. He hadn't run away. We'd both hurt each other; I as much as him.

  "If you don't tell me, I'll walk out that door and out of your life forever. If that's what you want, you need to tell me right now."

  I couldn't say anything. More tears fell. Quentin nodded.

  "Right." He turned and headed for the door.

  "I know what love is because of you."

  His hand stopped on the doorknob.

  "I don't want this to be goodbye."

  Quentin turned back to me. "That's not enough."

  I stared at him. "I--I love you too."