Detached, Destroyed, Dehumanized (Depersonalization/ Derealization)

On a GOOD day

 A good day.

A day when I can wake up, being glad I did. A day when my energy is boosted, my anxiety fades, my self esteem gets better, and I can tell myself I am not worthless.

A good day. Surprisingly, I do have them. Quite often actually. If I'm not dissociated, chances are, I'm happy and I am in love with everything around me.

This past week has been a streak of good days. 

The weather has been so perfect. Cool enough to wear a flannel, a jacket, or a long sleeve, and be able to feel comfortable and snug. Sunny enough to make a grey world look beautiful, bringing out the colors of fall and the colors of my personality. Best of all, October means Halloween and that brings me excitement and joy that a $100 bill on the floor would bring anyone else. 

This is my best side. My bright, positive and outgoing side. The me that can do anything.  Play "Master Of Puppets" on guitar, I got it. Text that cute boy you've been crushing on, I already did. Speak to new people and open your eyes to something other than the anxiety, I'm working for it.

It's. All. Me. And that makes me proud to be alive and to be breathing.

I will say something kind.

"You're glasses look nice on you." It's the first time he's worn glasses to school in the time that I've known him. He's the insecure type, so I want to make him feel good about himself today.

"You are beautiful." She's looking at herself in the mirror of the school bathroom, not liking what she sees, but she's clearly blind because she's perfect the way she is.

I will do something kind.

Hold the door open for the people coming in and out of the building.

Buy my friend lunch even if she deliberately leaves hers at home. 

Be a better me. A me who makes a difference in the world.

And yes, I know it will all come down on me, and I will fall back to a depression and it will hurt and it will burn, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't enjoy today. 

Today is the present and that's all I should have to worry about. Not what I said to the guy I like 3 days ago that might have been mildly embarrassing, nor what am I going to do 3 years from now when I'm in my second year of college.

Maybe I do feel a bit off. Maybe I do zone out and lose track of reality and time. But it's okay. I'm okay.

I have my best friends by my side. They all mean so much to me, and I know they're cheering me on to recover and start a better life. 

Not everything is in my control, but my attitude is.

I can choose to let my disorder define me, or to simply accept as something I deal with from time to time. I can choose to complain about the problems I face, rather than facing them. I can choose to let myself free. 

In simplest of terms, as my dear friend "Nick" said, "Don't be sad. You can control it. Easier said than done, but you can do it."

  Depersonalization may make my life a living nightmare, but it is not who I am. Who I am is the girl who appears when I'm not having an episode. I am more than what my demons say.

  If you are struggling , whether it be with Depersonalization disorder, or PTSD, or anxiety, or major depression, or just a streak of difficult and unfortunate events, I want you to know that you matter. You are important. You are an amazing human being and were put on this planet for a reason. Maybe a random person on the internet telling you this means absolutely nothing, but I promise you there are people in your life who can say the same thing because they love you more than you allow yourself to believe.

There are good days. Not just for me. Not just for your friends, family. Not just for the people you watch on Youtube. But for you too. Things do get better. Not immediately, but they do.

If you are thinking of ending your own life, or otherwise harming yourself in some manner (or someone else), don't.  IT IS NOT WORTH IT. There is beauty in what you can grow to be. Reach out to someone who cares. There is always someone who cares.

You can make a positive impact in someone's life.

You can be successful in the dreams you want to follow.

You can get better, but that won't happen if you take your life.

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800 -273-8255

Suicide text hotline:  text 741741 to talk to a trained counselor.

https://www.imalive.org

CrisisChat.org

Have a great day or night, or whatever in between.