Bubble Wrap (Lesbian)

the breakup that brought ralph home

I honestly couldn't believe that I was going home. Back to where I started and back to where I had to hide who I was. It was a difficult decision but it had to be done. Mainly because my ex was bitching that we couldn't keep living in that house due to all the roaches that crept up on us during the humid summer, but because things were over.

So over...

She didn't love me. Not matter how many times she had whispered it, declared it in front of other people, she didn't love me. Or as she put it, in love with me anymore. She still loved me, just couldn't keep loving me.

And that's okay, because what was there to love? I mean I was an emotional cry baby and I didn't do things right and we just weren't compatible.

Yet...she didn't want me going back home because she knew things would be restricted for me. She knew that I would have to put everything back on the shelf and pretend that I wasn't who I had been the last 5 years.

What a crock of shit. I should have seen this coming, to be honest. I should have known I wasn't good enough for her. She always complained about what I wore and how she couldn't kiss me or hold my hand in public. There were so many red flags, but I couldn't see those. Because I, was in love for the first time, and I wanted to see past that and see something different than what my brain was telling me.

I only had myself to blame.

"Just tell me the truth, do you still want to be with me?" In the small room of the trailer we were living in, I was crying my eyes out, trying not to be so loud. We weren't the only ones here and I didn't want the rest of her family to hear me.

The past month, since we moved to Georgia, she had been evasive and going to bed at different hours than me. She was ignoring me a little more frequently than usual and something was not right.

So I planned on ending it if it made things better. My best friend, Chris, thought it was a good plan. I had talked to her before coming in here and pouring my sentiments to my fiancee.

"Are you trying to break up with me?"

"I'm trying to figure out if you still care about me. If you still love me." The words had tumbled out in between snot and tears. It was hard to keep my feelings hidden when it hurt so much to say them out loud.

"You don't have to do this. We can stay together until after the new year."

She was turned away from me, her eyes focused on the wall in front of us. I couldn't read her expression and I didn't ever hope to. I preferred not to. I knew things had changed. She didn't want me.

I deflated emotionally with the next words I spoke. "I can't do that. I won't."

"So we're done?"

"Yeah."

The dam broke then. I couldn't contain myself. She looked relieved perhaps. Maybe almost happy about it. While I died and shriveled up inside. I was broken. And I wouldn't come alive again. Not with her. Not for anyone but myself.

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So this is my new story...
It might have some similarities to my life, as you know, it's always easier to write about something you have gone through. And let me tell you, I know a lot about broken hearts and aches that you wish would go away so you could be a normal human being for once.

So be warned--lots of self-deprecation, dark thoughts about suicide and talk about self-harm will be part of this novel. I don't wish to hide the things that have plagued not only me, but most people for years. If we never speak up, how will others know they're not the only one?

This will be the only trigger warning.

Next chapter will be up soon.

Thanks for reading,
brknshdws