Yup, this is Me

Chapter 3

The three of us, my dad, my sister and I, all came back from that holiday pretty tired out. When we entered our house, it was almost empty! What I didn't know is that in the meantime, whilst we were out in England, our family and family friends had helped packing up our house.

I entered my bedroom and the only things left were: my closet (with half the clothes taken out), my lonely double bed and my desk that was completely emptied out. The wallpaper had been scraped of the walls and they were repainted white again. Before it was this sky blue colour that made the room such a modern and classy yet teenage room. Now it was plain as paper and white as snow. The room that once was my own palace had turned into a monotonous place with no personality.

I cried, again, because the move was coming to reality. I didn't want to go at all. All my personal things were packed up in boxes handled by other people. And all of a sudden I felt very uncomfortable in my own room. That night I don't think I had any proper sleep. I kept having nightmares and waking from them. I was sweaty and cold at the same time. It was all a bit confusing to me as to what was actually about to happen to me.

For the next few days I spent as much time possible with my friends. We went to the cinemas, had sleepovers and went shopping together. Not only was it a way of saying goodbye but also did it distract me from everything that was going on at home.

My summer holiday was almost coming to an end and so was my time in Holland. Days were passing, the people around me were getting more and more upset every day, and slowly everyone was starting to realise reality. It was hard but I think we all just didn't show our emotions and pretended everything would be fine. Fake it till you make it right?

It was around the 25th of August, 2014 and it was time to leave our house. Everything was empty and me and my sister Renee moved in with our grandmother for a little while just so that my dad could do all the moving in the mean time.

We were meant to leave on the 31st of August to England, on the day of my grandmothers birthday. She had her birthday party that day, many people came. Of course because it was her birthday but also because it was our little sending off party. It was lovely! Everyone asked us where we were moving to and if we knew anything about it. I remember very well answering every question even when I didn't know the answer. It was funny really.

One of my 'aunts' , well kind of, I'm not really sure as to how I'm meant to describe her. But she asked me if Birmingham was far from London, me being the stupid twelve year old I was, I confidently said 'no, it's only like thirty minutes away' not knowing that it was a good 3 hour drive. I also said that Birmingham was a little city, a bit like my village back at home in Holland. Turns out it was the complete opposite and is the biggest city in England next to London, the capital. I guess I kind of made a fool out of myself during that party. Up till this day I'm still praying that no one knew the actual right answers. God, I must have looked like an actual idiot.

Anyway, the party was coming to an end and it was time for us to go. Our bags were packed and the majority of the people were leaving. Suddenly my dad tells me that we are not going yet, that the new arrangement is for us to stay with our closest family friends for a few days because my dad needed more time. I was perfectly fine with it but just curious as to why we couldn't just stay with my grandmother for a little longer, after all she is family. Turns out when my dad asked my aunty and my grandmother, they said that they couldn't keep us for any longer as it would 'ruin their schedule', that they had plans. My dad was furious because in his culture, even if there are no more spare beds to sleep on, everyone is welcome because they are your family and you are meant to help them regardless of the situation. This caused quite some conflict further on within the family e.t.c but I will tell you more about that later.

I didn't know any of this at that time though, so we stayed at the party a little longer, my dad left with his friend to continue the moving process and everything was back to normal again... Well, as far as normal goes.

About an hour later it was really time to go and say goodbye to everyone. I gave everyone a hug or kiss and said my farewells. Some people cried, I didn't though. I was kind of emotionless. I just said bye and kept smiling, I was not hurt in any way, it was a lot different than I expected it to be.

We got into the car and drove for about forty five minutes until we arrived at their house. It was fun living with them for three to four days but it was weird. They were not my actual family and I felt uncomfortable doing certain things like showering, going to the toilet or taking naps. It wasn't my natural environment. At my grandmother's house I had showered or used the toilet multiple times, it was basically the same as at my own home. But here, it was different.

About four days later my father arrived back from England and ready to pick us up. I wasn't ready to go and dreaded leaving my closest friends. So with my natural teen instincts, I thought if I started acting differently, my dad would magically change his mind and let us stay in Holland. Well let me tell you one thing. I was wrong! We got into an argument and I recieved beatings, typical. I was so frustrated. I remember telling my then bestfriend, who was significantly older than me, that I was upset. I clearly recall her saying 'oh he only gave you a "tap"'. Tears started rolling down my face because my whole world was changing and she was calm about it. Almost as if she didn't care. I quickly grabbed my phone and posted on snapchat 'I thought you were my brother, but clearly not'. I though indirecting her whilst changing what should have been sister, to brother, would help with my anger. She screenshotted the post and as soon as I saw I told her 'oh you know that wasn't meant for you right?'. At this point I don't think it could have been any more obvious that it was directed at her.

I look back at it laughing now because she understood that I was only getting frustrated because I was going to move away, she knew that if she would get upset or started 'ranting', the situation wouldn't have gotten any better.

So, the time of day had come. Our suitcases were in the car, bags were packed, and it was time to say our final-final goodbye's. I hugged everyone, including my best friend, and we walked out of the door. The adults were crying, so was my sister, but once again, I was emotionless. I didn't say much nor expressed many feelings. I just hugged them and said 'see you soon'. Not knowing that that 'soon' would take longer than I thought...