Picking Up The Pieces

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"I try to exhale you in pain. Like smoke, like white smoke I say that I'll erase you But I can't really let you go yet"

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The moment I feared has come today. I spent all my time yesterday worrying what I would face in school today. As our school has one of the reputations for spreading rumors fast, I was sure that the news of the "mystery girl's" hoodie being taken off in front of the school's so-called prince On top of that, Aaron could have told everyone about how I looked like and who I actually was. Maybe they figured out I wasn't Amber Hills and actually is Amber Carrington. What would people say when they saw me with my hoodie off? What would Aaron think of me when he saw my face? What would everyone think about me now?

    I knew it was stupid for me to care about the society's opinions. But somehow you can't help but ponder about it. In a hell hole like high school, anyone's opinions greatly affected how you were perceived. But in the end of the day, Amber Carrington was only a deep dark abyss.

"Ms.Carrington, we've arrived at your school," the driver announced.

"It's Ms. Hills when I'm in school, Mr. Roberts," I reminded as I exited out of the car.

    I fiddled with my hands and looked down at the floor, running to today's first class. My heart thudded against my ribcages as walked into the school hallways. When I walked in, it was like everything stopped. The cheerleaders stopped discussing about their new routine for the big game coming soon. The jocks stopped assessing every girl that passed in front of them, trying to catch their attention. The computer geeks stopped planning their computer science projects. The nerds stopped fantasizing about what would happen in the next chapter of the book they were currently reading. Everything didn't play out suddenly but slowly - in a hypnotizing way like how a symphony beautifully played their decrescendo.

They all stopped to stare at me -  the girl that didn't fit into any of their levels of social hierarchy and hid under her ratted hoodies. Then slowly everyone started murmuring with each other again. This time, they all talked about the same topic - me. Amidst all of this, I kept on continue to walk while feeling incredibly small. My senses screamed for me to run away from all of this but I knew I had to face it one day. I had accepted the fact that I couldn't hide forever anyways. It had to be one way or another. Though I kept telling myself to be strong, I couldn't help but overhear what everyone was talking about me.

"She must look incredibly ugly to be hiding herself underneath that hoodie."

"People say she is ugly. They saw a glimpse of her when her hoodie fell off in Advanced Maths."

"The side view of her face was awful when her hoodie fell off. Only Aaron Woods saw her face fully upfront."

"Poor Aaron. He must have been shocked to see such a disgusting face so up close."

That's exactly how you look like Amber.

After hearing all those comments, my fist clenched until it was pale white. Tears wanted to spill out but I remembered something that I had lived by during these hard times; weakness make people easier targets. I kept repeating this like a mantra throughout the whole day as the attention I received never seemed to go away.

••••••

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the savior of my life - the school bell - rang, saving me from all these stares. I dashed from the seat and headed straight to my secret spot in school that no one seemed to know about.  It was time for lunch and the end of the school day seemed so far away. As I sighed, realizing the fact that I still had half of the school day to go through. Life can be tough, especially when you're facing the spawn of the devils from your school.

Soon I had arrived to my secret spot in the school grounds. I plopped down on patchy lawn, feeling the cold breeze hit my face. I took a deep breath as I once again took in the picturesque view in front of me. Our school had a garden but not many knew about this beautiful field of flowers. The intoxicating smell of the variety of flowers somehow soothes my worried for sometime and the flowers swayed along with the breeze. The sun shone brightly as it's light kissed my face underneath my hoodie. Surrounded by such beauty, I felt so incompetent. I was like moss in this field of flowers.

I hugged my legs as I finally felt it was fine to let it all out. It was never good to keep things bottled up anyways, not for 248 days. I truly wasn't the girl of no feelings; I had a tiny sprout of emotions still. Tears that I once pushed back, flowed out, sliding down my cheek like a never ending waterfall. Every comment I had heard today during school about my ugly face resurfaced from the depths of memory, causing me to cry more. There's only so much a girl handle.

My friends reminded me many many times that I was not ugly, in fact apparently the opposite of that and I had nothing to be scared of. Seemingly, what they have told me turned out to be lies today. I was ugly and had a lot to be scared of. Nevertheless, I didn't hate them for lying at me and still missed them so dearly.

As I kept on crying, I kept repeating three little words I haven't dared to say quite in a while."I miss you." The force the words hit me so strongly once again in the chest. They were gone and I was still here, left alone. Alone. Their absence was something I was not still used too. I was far from moving on and accepting the fact.

Truthfully, I was scared. My best friends had once protected me but now they were gone, leaving me exposed to the cruelties of today's world. The insults and comments I had heard today truly had affected me to the core.  It was why I had kept myself underneath this hoodie, hopefully making myself safe from all the dangers of this world. My hoodie was my only defense along with my cold personality to keep anyone from breaking down all my walls, to see my broken pieces.

I kept my head buried between my folded legs against my chest. My tears had caused my legs to be incredibly wet along with my some parts of my pants. I hiccuped as I kept crying and crying, releasing all my worries.

"Did you know long I've been finding you?," a male voice interrupted my long-needed crying session.

"You left me hanging yesterday! God's sake! I carried you to the nurse yesterday, incredibly worried and yet you left me saying what? Don't you dare to tell anyone I fainted, details about your face blah blah and dead person?! You should have been thankful that the person was the golden boy of the school. You should have-" he continued on.

"I should have what?" I screamed, interrupting his incredibly long speech with tears still running along my face.

"Are you- "

"I know. I know. I should I have thanked you. I know shouldn't have said that. I know, I'm such an awful person. I know I'm so damn ugly. I know," I weeped while saying all this softly.

"No, you're not Hills," he replied back.

He doesn't know who I am.

"Who said all this to you?," he said, suddenly all riled up. His fists were clenched as if he was seriously ready to punch someone. Geez, I know he means well but how could he care about someone he barely knew so much?

"Woods, it's doesn't matter. By the way, it's bad to lie. It's a fact that I'm ugly. Could you," I hesitated before I continued. It is okay to lean on someone once in a while right?

"Could I what?"

"Could you stay with me for a while?" I said quietly, looking up to him.

Something flashed in his eyes, too fast for me to decipher. Then, he stay down right next to me, gazing at the beautiful view of flowers. I leaned my head onto him as I continued crying.

"I know that I should move on. But I don't want too. I don't want to let them go, Woods. I'm too scared. I don't have anything to lean on anymore. Their presence just seemed comforting. The imagination of them being here, with me comforts me. Is that so wrong of me to think like that? Is it so wrong for me to hide behind my walls to protect anything worse from happening?" I cried into his shirt. Hopefully he doesn't mind his shirt getting wet.

" I miss them so much, Woods. I miss them so so much," I kept continuing.

Suddenly, his rough hands hugged me as he stroked on my hair, calming me down. "It's going to be all okay, Hills."