Diary of a Mute

I heard them talking about me in the waiting room as I flipped through one of the magazines that was on the coffee in front of me. This is the fourth therapist I have seen in two months and the thirtieth one I've seen in five years. I've been going to this things since I decided to take on the life as a mute. No, I don't have some sort of disorder that prevents me from talking. I just don't. I'm fifteen years old and I've experienced more horrifying things in my life than you could ever imagine. 

I have brutally and painfully experienced domestic abuse, rape, torture, and murder. Hell, I've even experienced it. Sometimes I get caught by the people doing it and they always tell me the same thing. 'Tell anyone and you'll be next.' So I decided to just not say anything any more so something like that won't ever happen to me. My parents don't know about the things I've seen or done. They think I'm just going through some 'depression stage' right now which is sort of true. Matter of fact, I've never told anyone. Which is why I don't have any friends and I'm constantly bullied and picked on by the kids at school. 

A few moments later, my parents came out. They looked at me and I looked back, not saying a word. I can't even remember the last time I heard the sound of my own voice. It's been five years since I've uttered a word. I feel if I talk now, my voice will sound like a zombie's.

"Doctor Steele would like to talk to you Emma." Mom said. I nodded my head and dropped the magazine back on the table. Walking over to my parents,  I stepped inside the office. It was very small and cramped in here. The walls were white. Doctor Steele had his desk in the middle of the floor and it was scattered with papers. Doctor Steele himself was a skinny looking dude. He had brown tousled hair and he wore glasses. He was cute for an older guy. I would say he's in his mid thirties. 

When he finally found what he needed, he gathered everything up in a folder and came from behind his desk along with his chair. He planted himself right in front of me and held out his name. "Good afternoon Emma. My name is Dr. Steele. I'm here to get to the bottom of why you've suddenly became a mute.," He explained. "Why did you decide to stop talking."

I looked at my mom who looked fairly annoyed and then I turned to my dad who looked frustrated. I let out a sigh and turned back to Dr. Steele and gave him the same blank expression I had given my  parents.

"It's alright to talk, Emma. I'm not going to judge you for anything you have to say." He responded.

Still nothing.

This was going to be a very long meeting.

When I was finally realised, we had accomplished absolutely nothing. I just sat down and looked like a log. I wasn't talking, I wasn't moving. I was only blinking and breathing. My parents are fairly pissed off but I don't care. If they weren't such workaholics, they would know why I'm like this. They never paid attention to me and the only reason they are now is because I'm an 'embarrassment' to the wealthy Mota family. 

They'll never understand me and I hope they don't think they can. Until they've been through the pain, seen the things I've seen, they need to leave me the hell alone. 

When we got home, I rushed up to my room and locked the door. I fell on the bed with a sigh. I laid there for a while and looked at the ceiling. I frowned. I should decorate the ceiling. It looks so...bland. I should probably put up some of my favorite boy bands and movie stars. 

I rolled over and got my laptop off the nightstand and opened it up. After I sat up straight, I turned the laptop on and waited for it to reboot. When it was on and I typed in my password, I went to my journal and began to type. 

June 8th

In my room, on my bed. 

1:03 PM.

Mom and dad tried again today to 'fix me'. Like the last billions of times, it didn't work out. I can tell my parents are starting to get fairly frustrated with me but I can't help it. Do I want to be this way? No. Hell no. Do I want to make my parents suffer? No, but it seems as if I have no other choice. I'm afraid to speak. I'm afraid I'll say something I shouldn't have said and put myself or my parents in danger. I love my parents, but I'm scared. They need to realize that. They may not know what I'm scared of, but they need to realize that I'm scared of SOMETHING and take things slow. If I have to see another therapist this month, I'm going to kill myself. 

On the brightside, I reduced my cutting from eight to twice a day. I think that's something big for me.

~ Emma

After writing that, I saved it and posted it. Then I closed my laptop and began to watch television. I watched television for the next six hours until my mom called me downstairs for dinner. 

Dinner was silent as usual. I don't have any siblings. My mom had a miscarriage a while back. That's also a reason why I don't speak. I've always wanted to have a younger brother and sister to be a role model too. My parents decided they wouldn't try again. So it was just my mom, my dad, and their freaky mute daughter.

When I was done with my dinner, I silent excused myself and walked up to my room. I grabbed some clothes and took a shower and got ready for bed. A couple of minutes later, I was fresh, clean, and smelling like coconuts. 

I got under the covers and tried to make myself comfortable. As I was doing so, my mother came in and sat on the bed. I stopped my squirming and sat up so I could hear what she had to say. Mom put a hand on my leg and let out a sigh. 

"You know we care about you Emma. We really do. I want my one and only daughter to learn to speak up for herself. I don't want people controlling your life when you turn 18. I don't want you to be this all your life. I want you to grow up and be successful because you never know when your father and I will go. That's why we're getting you help. If you just speak up and tell us what's wrong, we can help you. Please don't stay like this forever. Find the courage and the bravery to break this condition you have." She kissed me on top of the head and turned my light out. 

"I love you baby." Were her final words before she closed my bed room door. I laid there in total silence, thinking over everything my mom had just said.

Find the courage and the bravery to break this condition you have. That one setence stood out from the rest in her mini-speech. I groaned and turned over. 

If only she knew.