My Story

My thoughts on self harm and my story through it...

Life... It can be an adventure to say the least.  To put it in good terms life is one huge fucking rollercoaster that were all chained in unless we can some how some way by some greater power or by our power break those chains and either jump because we are through or get off and get free.  Many people sadly but surly take the first and easy choice and just jump but when they do that they end something so precious they can never get back and will hurt so many people they don't even think about... They end their life..

I personally know what it's like in most of it. This right here is my story.. Names have been changed and details changed as well as not to reveal who I am nor those involved..

You see I've had a very rough life to begin with.. When I was young I had EXTREME night terrors and was attacked by evil things that I don't remember happening till im told stories and forget about them all just after being told. When I was the age of 8-10 or so I wokeup to find a tv with a camera watching me displaying white noise where only I could see it noeone else and ive heard white noise and voices ever since. When I was young I would play with my dead dogs ghost when noeone was home, and sometimes while people were there and they never saw it.

When I was about 12 I was attacked by a demon trying to take my life. Throughout middle school I had nightmares and would wakeup in pain or with marks on me where I was hurt just like in the dreams. I have always had I guess what you would call a "6th sense" and seen things and felt things others could not. When I would have a good dream it was always about something to come and nearly all have come to pass, its like while dreaming I see the future and can leave it be or change it how I like. I have nearly died or been killed a MANY of times and somehow not, I think something saved me...

I have never really been athletic and was ALWAYS made fun of and picked on in school. Mainly now for my skinny jeans and stupid stuff like that. When I was in 4th almost 5th grade I went ahead a year ahead in math and tested into another way higher high school math which only made matters worse. When I finally got out of middle school and junior high I went to a small highschool where I ended up being very popular with the mask I was wearing to hide my sadness with my grandpa having cancer grandma with Alzheimer's (who current time will be dying this month...) not even knowing me anymore and two of my best friends killing themselves my life was spiraling downward..

When all of that and more flooded my head at once I started cutting and went into a deep depression, partly I did not even know why. I met a girl named Emily but me and her fell in love and she saved my life from myself multiple times and made me happy but finally she "couldn't deal with it anymore" and had "fallen out of love with me" and on the day of my birthday she left, making me worse and I tried yet again to kill myself but failed. It took 6-12 months before I did not cry everyday over her but still have not COMPLETELY gotten over her about 3 years later.

Now I'm not going to go into much about highschool because that would take forever just to talk about the many girls who have cheated on me.. To sum it up I have attempted suicide 7 times, I am finally free of cutting for a year and a half (hardest thing ever believe me), and now I'm trying to get into therapy. I have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder Major Clinical Depressive Type, Paranoia, Insomnia, Borderline, An Anxiety/Panic Disorder, and potentially more but it's hard to say since I was diagnosed before I turned 18.

UPDATE FOR THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS!!!

Being 18 I was recently retested and was diagnosed with Major Clinical Depression, Insomnia, Paranoia, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Self Destructive Tendencies, and Episodic Schizophrenia. I recently started going to therapy once every two weeks to keep it all under control, they won't give me any meds because they're worried I will start to abuse them since they are very addictive. I'm doing a lot better now, and am starting up a new campaign to end suicide and online bullying.

SEEK HELP, I did... Message me and we can talk!..