Trying to Sleep

Insomnia

        Everyone always says, "I swear that tomorrow I won't stay up as late. I'll go to bed at a good time, get up early and accomplish something."

        That never happens for me.

        I have insomnia. It's random, sporatic, and it will strike without mercy or prejudice. Typically when it happens, I never have an indicator that it will. If I could know when it happens, then I would  call in sick to work or cancel plans for the next day and live my day as a zombie in peace. Instead, it just makes me unreliable and others lose faith in my abilities to function like a normal human being.

        It's 10:30pm on a Friday night. I had just showered, cleaned up and enjoyed a nice movie all by myself. Not necessarily by choice, but what am I going to do about it? Internet dating isn't necessarily known for being reliable. I slide into my bed only wearing my underwear. I live alone, so who's going to care? I just find it more comfortable.

        Knowing all the doors in the house are locked, the dishes are washed and put away, the laundry is all done and put away is a massive tax off my mind. Having my date cancel on me tonight allowed me to get all my stuff done. Heck, I even cleaned the apartment.

        It's 10:40pm and I'm staring at the ceiling of my bedroom. Nothing. Not even a single inkling of feeling tired. I sigh to myself, tossing and turning in my bed. I saved up money a long time ago and got a queen size mattress for...

        I shook my head at the thought. I promised myself not to think of them anymore. The past is the past. Leave it where it is. "Think of this huge comfy bed that you have all to yourself," I thought, spreading my entire body out like a spider. "This is mine." 

        It's 11:00pm and I'm wondering if I shouldn't have watched the movie so close to bedtime. Inception was always a favorite of mine. I could probably watch it every day if I wanted to. I've always loved the idea of escaping into a dream. I tried lucid dreaming a while ago, but the problem was having a reliable sleep pattern to do it. There is nothing more heartbreaking than having something you feel that you can count on all the time, something like sleep, just disappear out of nowhere.

        It's 11:15pm and I'm laying facedown into my pillow, even though I know I can't fall asleep like this. I want to sleep. It's not like I have anything to do tomorrow, since my friends were going to go do other things anyway. It's not a big deal. I can sleep in, walk around my place in my underwear. Cook all my favorite foods. Hell, I could even call in some take out.

        On second thought, I probably can't afford it. What do I even have in the fridge to cook anyway? Or, even at all? I have some bread, some leftovers from tonight, the meal Mom made me take home for tomorrow, and maybe some cereal. I should probably get some groceries. 

        When I have the money to afford them.

        It's 11:30pm and I'm laying flat with a pillow on my face. A full hour and nothing. I have my eyes closed. I've counted sheep. I've counted to 100, then to 1000. Nothing is working. I sigh to myself and roll over. The once cool covers have now acclimated to my body temperature and became warm to the touch. The large comforter that lies draped over my body feels suffocating. That's it. I'm getting up.

        I tear the huge blanket off my bed and toss it on the floor. Heading to my clothing rack, I grab my favorite T-shirt and throw it on. It was so soft and comfortable, plus it sported the tour dates to when I saw my favorite band with...

        Stop it.

        "Warm milk. I just need some warm milk." I thought to myself. I walked out to my kitchen through my dark apartment, only lit by the city lights that poured through the blinds on my windows. I opened my refrigerator door, which floods more light into my poorly furnished apartment. I've got my laptop, my couch, a coffee table, a second hand set of chairs and a kitchen table sit as a near focal point in the apartment. For when I have guests over. Or, when they wanted to come over that is...