Briar Knight and the suit of armour
"You dozy wench. Will you stop messin' about on that damn horse and go fetch Briar Armourer."
"But my love, I would have a kiss first," said Briar Damsel, bending down low and giving Briar Knight a close view of her ample cleavage.
"A kiss is the last thing I need right now. You know how your lips inflame my passions. A stiffy definitely would not be good for me in my present predicament."
"Then why do you raise your handsome face towards me, and pull me into the deep blue pools of your eyes?"
"I have no choice. Briar Squire has tricked me with this magic suit. He'll be back soon, so make haste and fetch Briar Armourer."
With a flick of her head Briar Damsel swished her flame red hair across Briar Knight's upturned face, and spurred her horse into a gallop down the hill. Because of Briar Squire's trickery, Briar Knight could not follow her progress. He could not see her demonstration of horsewomanship as she sped towards the village. How she stood up on the saddle, and, then, with a twist, sat down facing towards the horse's tail. Another twist and she was looking the right way again. Then sliding down the flank until her head was only inches from the ground, from where she plucked an orchid.
Briar Knight groaned in desperation when he heard the fading sound of the horse's hooves become rapidly louder as Briar Damsel returned up the slope.
"I bring a flower for my love, to help him remember me until my return."
"Woman, you drive me to despair. Do you not know the gravity of the situation? Briar Squire will kill me when he returns, and then there will be nothing to stop him having his wicked way with you."
"I usually find a well placed knee in the goolies is enough to stop any man having his wicked way with me. Fear not my love, I shall return soon."
Briar Damsel thrust the stem of the orchid into Briar Knight's collar, and, once more, galloped away down the hill. Briar Knight waited in fearful anticipation of her returning once again, but this time she had left for good. He stared up into the empty blue sky, cursing himself for being so foolish. How could he have let Briar Squire exploit his weakness for armour?
He should have known it was too good to be true. No one would leave something like that unattended on a hillside. Especially not a brand new, top of the range model like the Dragonslayer V, complete with spinning nipple disks. The disks had no practical purpose, but they certainly looked good rotating at full speed as you charged into battle.
Briar Knight should have smelt a rat, and walked away. But, oh no, he had to try it on. It had felt so good, too, as each piece clicked into place. The leg sections fitted tight to his thighs and calves. The crotch piece left no room for manoeuvre, giving rise to his fear of arousal when Briar Damsel was making her advances. The main torso section was a masterpiece of the armourer's art, snug around his chest, nipped in at the waist, and flaring out over the hips. And, finally, the whole ensemble completed by the arm sections with their beautifully wrought elbow wings.
The sword perfectly complemented the armour. A Battlewinner Deluxe, so light in the hand, but strong and sharp enough to remove a man's head from his neck in a single swipe. Briar Knight had only seen one once before, worn by Briar King when he had passed through the previous spring, on his way to the war.
With the sword buckled around his waist, Briar Knight had stood with his arms spread wide, staring up into the sky, and marvelling at how good it all felt. And that was when Briar Squire's magic kicked in. Every joint locked, and Briar Knight was powerless to move. He knew at once that he had been tricked, and he knew what fate awaited him when Briar Squire returned. The two of them had fought for Briar Damsel's affections for years. Briar Knight had always been fair and conducted himself honourably, but no subterfuge or devious ploy was beyond Briar Squire.
