Peeta's Stories

Because of the Baby

"there's nothing that I'd take back/ but it's hard to say there's nothing I regret"

-silhouettes, of monsters and men (catching fire soundtrack) 

I'm happy, but I'm not content.

My life is whole, but still incomplete.

I sit on the porch beside Katniss, my hand on top of hers. I can tell she's staring at the evening primrose flowers I've planted both here, and at her family's old home.

She's very distant, as always, lately more so than ever. But I love her more than anything.

I retract my gaze from her captivatingly gorgeous face, and look out into the fields. I can't help but try to imagine children laughing and playing right in front of my eyes. I just want my own so badly. I long for the moment when I get to hold them, play with them, and knead dough with them.

I hate to say it, but with Katniss, it seems so improbable. Usually I refrain from asking, for each time she's given the same response, but it's been so many years of just she and I.

"Hey, Katniss?" I say.

Our eyes meet briefly, but I look down into my lap before continuing.

"Do you think, maybe, you might be ready to -" her voice cuts off my sentence.

"Actually," she pauses for a while and gathers her words "I think I might be this time, Peeta." I feel a smile conquer my face, just at the fact she knew what I was about to say.

"Are you sure?" I question, just to be positive. I never thought this moment would actually come.

"Well, I wouldn't give me this chance to change my mind if I were you, but I think so. And that's as sure as I'm ever going to be, so now's a good a time as any to re-paint our bedroom."

She smiles, but my own grin fades.

"Well actually-"

"Peeta, I know what you mean. That was a failed attempt at a joke, apparently." She squeezes my hand, and my smile returns. "A baby."

Her mouth goes flat at the word, and she suddenly appears terrified.

I can tell she's only going along with this for my sake. I would absolutely love an addition to our family, but not if it's going to have to be like this.

"Please don't just say yes for me." I plead.

Katniss shakes her head. "I'm saying yes because," she quickly glances down and then up at the sky, not taking her eyes off of a specific cloud overhead, "because of the baby." She gestures to her stomach, still staring up above us.

Oh, my God.

"Because of the baby..." I repeat, reliving a moment from many years ago when we had announced a pregnancy to the entire nation. Only it wasn't real. This time, we're announcing the coming of a legitimate child just between ourselves.

Now the scared look on her face from before looks more nervous than afraid.

"I was going to tell you when Annie comes tomorrow, at dinner, but you just have to ruin everything, don't you." she laughs.

My mind is a whir of thoughts; excitement and nerves colliding.

"Peeta, I'm scared." Katniss tells me.

As much as I want the baby, I definitely don't want her feeling like this.

She's lost so many people in her life, I guess she's just afraid of loving someone so much that it'll hurt to ever let go of them.

I can relate to some extent, but I try not to dwell on it. I concentrate and sadness into my paintings most of the time. She doesn't exactly have that kind of outlet.

Of course she has me, but more often than not, she's isn't the venting type.

"Katniss, I promise you, nothing bad will happen."

"I don't want another person depending on me! I've failed every single time someone has! I'm just not very good at this!"

For a minute I don't say anything, because I want to tell her nothing's been her fault. She's perfect. She's strong, but I know she won't believe me.

She's glaring at me.

"I know I'm nothing compared to you, but I'll be there every step of the way. I want you to be happy!"

"I want you to be happy too, but I don't know if I can do this!"

"Well, you're going to have to, aren't you." I say quietly, not intending for her to hear it, but nevertheless, she has.

"Yeah. We are."

And suddenly her head is resting on my shoulder, tears evenly falling from her glassy eyes. Katniss opens her mouth to speak.

"I can't say this whole pregnancy thing doesn't freak me out, because it really does, but I think I'm starting to believe you for once. A dandelion in the spring has always told me things will be okay, and that's exactly what you are. My dandelion in the spring."