My Tattooed Tumblr Boy

Day 2

12:42 am

It's funny you know, I used to love to spam his phone at night with long meaningful messages for him to wake up to.

And now, it feels like the whole dynamic has changed.

It feels like leaving him those messages now would only annoy him in the morning.

He's scared of loving and I'm scared of not being loved.

It all happened so quickly, from one moment to the next.

Two days ago he sent me his good night text and I couldn't have been any happier. Tonight he sent me his good night text and it just seemed like he's going through the motions.

I hate it.

We were happy.

I was happy.

I thought he was too.

There's times we play around, and are rude to each other. Even though he is playing around (or at least he says he is) his words still hurt.

He may not understand why, but it's because I'm so insecure when it comes to him. I feel like I would never be good enough for him. So when he makes his jokes they hit me where it hurts.

I just want him to love me.

I want to be with him.

I've always told him that I love everything about him. All of his faults, everything about him, I love it all. It makes him who he is.

I told him I wouldn't let him push me away, but it hurts even more feeling like he's trying to distance his heart from me.

I can't go on pretending that we are fine. It would kill me.

But I can't not have him in my life either.

I can't see myself with someone who isn't him.

It's funny, tattoos to me are one of the most attractive things on a guy besides hair and piercings (all of which he has) but I had never considered getting any myself.

Until I met him.

I want his name.

Inked in me forever.

Just like he will forever have my heart.

I read a quote somewhere that goes like this, "He said he was scared of commitment but he had tattoos all over his skin, I guess he didn't see me as a work of art or maybe he didn't think the pain was worth it."

I can't help but feel like I'm just another tattoo he's gonna remove. If I was ever there in the first place.

He isn't the only one who's terrified here. I'm scared beyond words. Not to love him but that he isn't gonna love me back.

I really wish things were okay. And I could send him a long text like I usually would and everything would be great in the morning.

He wasn't leaving, we would make it those three days and hit our 6 month mark, we would still be happy.

God I love him.

And every time I think that it makes me want to cry.

I told him about this, and he told me he wanted to read it when it was finished.

But he doesn't know exactly what it's about. He has no idea the words and emotions that are held within the chapters of this book.

And I'm afraid that if he knew he wouldn't care. I'm afraid of the end of this book.