God & Sinner

20. Forever and Ever, Amen

Again I was weightless, and again there was only the darkness. It was ironic how similar things were now, from the ether to the crash and my death. Not everything was the same though, and this time I knew what had happened and where I was. I waited the eternity, just like before, yet this time I wasn't so afraid. Still scared, of course, but I had something now that I hadn't then—courage. I didn't feel so out of place here anymore, not when it was where I belonged, and I continued to be patient as something began to change.

Though I had been calm just seconds earlier, I began to panic as I saw the villainous red. It glowed faint like an ember at first, then burst into life in a superluminal surge. It devoured me, encompassing me completely, and this time I wasn't able to escape from it as I was judged. With nothing left to do I finally faced it, opening myself up to wait for the verdict, but it never came. Instead I saw something else, and it didn't feel so villainous anymore. No, it put me at ease, and once it felt welcomed it began to radiate with warmth, shining so bright that I was blinded and left to the darkness once again.

Like two tired eyes opening for the first time, a blur of colors returned to me. It was hazy, but I became aware of my hand as I held it out in front of my face, shielding my sensitivities from the light. A bird flew overhead, joining its companion somewhere behind me as they sang, and I turned. Slowly I adjusted and I was able to see them, see the tree in which they sat, the trunk that ran to roots that pierced the ground on which I stood. I was of solid body once again—my own body—and I looked it over as I considered what it meant. This was not hell. This was anything but.

The familiar and beloved skin I wore paled beside the beautiful garden in which I dwelled, and it was like all the breath was trapped in my chest as I took it in. It was small, I could cover the entire distance in less than a minute, but it was still the most beautiful place I'd ever seen. The sunrise was just as lovely, casting ornate shadows from the thick trees that boxed me in, and I was so comforted that I didn't even mind. It was the kind of place that I could've stayed in forever if I'd been able to, but I knew that whatever grace had brought me here had a limit, and, same as before, I was on borrowed time.

For a second it made me selfish, and I regretted what I had given up, but I knew better. The warm air did not belong to me, and the cool breeze on my skin was a gift that I had not earned. I had taken this from myself, chosen a life filled with things far uglier than this—things that seemed worth it at the time. That life seemed so distant though, and I wanted nothing more than to linger among the flowers, in a place where the red glow felt like love and not like what it had been.

"Do you like it? It's all for you." The kind voice came from behind me, and I turned to see him. He'd been just an idea before, but everything changed now. There was no way to describe him, but I still struggled to put it to words in my head. He was soft, with a gentle way about him, and the love on his face was the purest I'd ever seen. My heart ran to him, and I was filled with such peace and serenity. Every bad thing melted away, and for the first time in my life I was truly okay. I started to cry without warning, but he took me into his arms and held me. "What's wrong, my love?"

"I can't stay." I whispered, feeling as though I'd let him down. He chuckled lightly and pulled away, holding my face so he could look at me lovingly. After a moment he wiped my tears and kissed my forehead, then led me over to the bench. When he sat beside me he took my hand, patient as I cried.

"You have sinned?" He was kind, offering strength as I worked through my emotions.

"Yes, I have sinned." It wasn't the first time I'd made the confession, but before it had been easy somehow. Now it was hard, and I didn't want to disappoint him. I felt his other hand on my back, and I couldn't understand how he didn't hate me.