I Dont Do Too Well On My Own

The Sixteenth Chapter

(//trigger warning//suicide//)

So, I was once sixteen right? Sixteen year olds are stupid. Sixteen year olds cant do anything right because they think they know, but they dont.

I had a friend, Sydney. I would visit her house every day or whenever I could. I never noticed her deteriorate.

Every now and then I go back to the last day, and I could tell.

I was stupid, more stupid than now.

GOOGLE SEARCH:

Painless ways to kill yourself.

I laughed at her and she forced a smile back.

"Why you looking this up?" I asked.

"School project." She replied, slightly nasal.

I shrugged it off. She isnt trying to hint something, is she?

There is no painless way to kill yourself, someone, somewhere, will feel the pain.

Maybe its so painful that you will consider why you are doing it. Why should I? Theres a reason my body is trying to stop it.

The internet says, "sleeping pills, you will fall asleep and never wake up! You won't feel a thing!".

I found that that is a lie. Sydney found that that is a lie.

Your stomach will turn to fire and your throat will fill with the taste of your own stomach acid. You will drown in your own spit. That isn't even the worst part, its when your mother comes home from work and I was long gone. I couldnt stop it. I was 12 blocks away from saving you. 50 miles down in a car crash.

She will walk through the door, and call out your name. She will call and call and there will be no response, maybe you're in the shower? Maybe you're asleep? She will walk up the stairs, knock on your door to receive no answer.

I would have arrived home safely, oblivious. I would have been blissfully unaware.

When she walks in she will see the lifeless body of her baby girl, lying on the floor. Her heart will stop but she will run to you with shaky knees, touching your face that is now still and cold. Her body will be on fire, and her throat will begin to tighten, the sharp pains in her chest will feel like knives in the heart.

That image will kill her more than her own death, it will haunt her living years each night. She will no longer be alive, but just as dead as you are now, Sydney.

Then one day after your last, I will be told. I will drop to my hands and knees and scream why, why, why.

There will never be a day I won't hate myself, for not making you happy, for not knowing. But then I turned 18 and now its Jessicas problem, not Jesses.

You may think that when you're dead and gone you will not be hurting anyone. Yet I have learned that is not true, it's not. The person who will find your body, their chest will feel tight and they will feel like it was their fault for letting it get this far.

I sit up straight, grabbing onto my mattress with purple fingers. I gasp for breath and realise, Im Jesse, not Jessica. The burden isnt mine, its Jessicas.

Why cant I have a room mate to tell me its okay? I shake my dizzy head as I force myself to my feet, walking to the bathroom.

I stare at myself in the mirror and cant help but wonder: is Patrick feeling the same way about me? Does he feel the knotting feeling and the fire when he sees me in a mess? Is he trying to stop the speeding train? I hope so. It shows he cares, and thats something. But I also hope not, I dont want anyone hurt.

I stare at my pale face in the mirror before splashing it with some water. Hopefully the water will wash something away. Something.

I check the time, its too early to get up but too late to sleep. I decide on texting Patrick.

/I just want to say Im not planning on killing myself/

I type. Before sending I delete it and change it.

/Im feeling good and ready for wise decisions today/

I delete and change again.

/How are you?/

People only ask how people are so they can talk about themselves.

I press send.

\Cant sleep, can you?\

The reply comes quick.

/no... Well, I was asleep but I decided Id be better off awake./

\My insomnia is like a bad case of writers block right now\

/Thank goodness Im here to occupy you then, eh?/

I can feel him smile and shake his head.

\yeah, yeah, suurree!\

/I am the only option ;) !/

\talking of, am I seeing you today? Its been a while.\

/around a day is a while now? After work Ill be around. From tomorrow I have my 3 day weekend too, so youll be stuck with me then /

\okay, ill see you later.\

/later/

Patrick is a good person.