I See Light
I do, Augustus.
I do.
* * * *
All the time I was living at the thought that I was a grenade. That I would blow up anytime. I was wrong…
A cold, eerie wind sipped through my skin as I was leaning my back on the grass, holding the only thing he left me – a letter, intended not for me. I could only hear the rustling of the crickets somewhere. It was more like; harmonious to me. It was like they were blending with the situation, creating a fervent evening.
Weeks had passed after I found this letter, still I could not move on. I knew, for better or for worse, I wasn’t really free of Augustus, not yet. Maybe not over.
How had I lost so much in such a short period of time? It would seem like leaving my family, living in some foreign place, and being separated from the person I love. That was how short it was.
I squinted to find anything that would remind me of him, but everything in this place was him. His scent, his voice, his smile, and all, seemed to linger in my mind. I could stop myself from thinking of him. His perfection, though he never was perfect, literally. But I loved everything about him.
Loved. Past tense. It hurt me to death. I never thought everything would end up so sudden.
I gazed at the stars above, it was beautiful. As if all of the stars were looking at me. They weren’t hiding behind the clouds. And I could remember our conversation about them.
“My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellation,” Augustus said while raising his right hand, as if sweeping them. We were laying on the grass. We were at the backyard of my house.
“How well do you know about the constellation?” I asked, staring him. He smiled.
“Oh, God, Hazel Grace. You always make me feel dumb,” he mumbled and rolled his eyes to me. “Of course I don’t know about them. I just found that phrase to impress you.”
“Seriously, Gus?” I couldn’t help it. I laughed. We both laughed.
He heaved me closer to him then hugged me. “But if I die, I would ask God to make me in charge of the stars. And that I won’t ever forget to turn them on, so that you won’t dwell in darkness and you won’t feel all alone,” he said, and then kissed my forehead.
We were laughing back then. We were throwing jokes to each other. And now, everything was ruined. I couldn’t stop myself from asking how he was now. I couldn’t get to hear his laughter again. His silly jokes.
He was lying six feet under the ground now… wordless. In the darkness, he couldn’t make any sound nor laugh. Weren’t you afraid of the dark, Augustus?
I hope you were already in heaven right now, Gus, making the stars shine so that I could not feel alone.
I sat up, but it wasn’t a good idea. I felt dizzy. It seemed as if I was going to puke. I hastily stood up and ran to the side of the yard then vomit.
“Oh my God, Hazel, what’s wrong?” Mom asked. Her voice trailed off a bit then ran toward me.
My body was bending. My hands found their place on my knees. “I don’t kn-” Then it hit me. I hadn’t finished what I was going to say because a realization thumped on my mind.
“Tell me what’s going on, Hazel,” she said, rubbing my back to, I guess, stop the predicament.
I wasn’t sure. I was trying to understand everything. This wasn’t part of my disease, surely.
I was counting in my mind. Days. Weeks. How many weeks had passed? And I was delayed. I then smiled. If everything was true, I would be the happiest Mom in the world. Yes, I guess I was pregnant. If it was a boy, then I would be happy to see little Gus. Even if it would kill me. And I would try my best not to leave this little wonder. I straightened my posture and my hands unconsciously stroking my belly.
If this was real, then I’d name him, Light.
