You call this fate?

Chapter 48

The next morning I pulled Ella away and told her. I had to tell the Hannah too, to talk to Granny about her further plans and to Tasha about what she was going to do to me…but Ella had to come first. It was always Ella first.

“No.”

We were sitting on her bed, her hands in mine. She jerked them away as she said the word, almost as if my touch was poison, her little face going red at the edges. It was at times like these, of extreme anger or anguish, that I could almost see her mother in her—her real mother.

“But Ella,” I tried to reason, “you have to understand. I am not doing this for me. I am doing this for you. I cannot take care of you like this.”

For a moment, she just sat there, staring at me. Then she took back my hands, her expression earnest. “Mommy…” she started. As if fearing this wasn’t enough to appeal to me, she climbed into my lap, penguin pyjamas and all, and grabbed both sides of my face with her pudgy little hands. “Everybody is here, Mommy. School is here.”

I almost smiled. Trust her to try that. “I know,” I said. “But school can be there too.” I gathered her to me and placed my chin on her head. Her little heart beat in rhythm with mine. “I am not saying it won’t be different, Ella. I am not saying it won’t be difficult, very difficult. But I need this. I need to know how my family is. And you will have to come with me. You can meet my parents. Don’t you want to know my parents?”

She twisted her head to look up at me. “I do, Mommy, I do. I want to so very much. And your sister and you brothers too.”

“Then,” I said, “you understand why we have to go? You see why it is important?”

She was silent for a moment. “I want to go, Mommy.” Her eyes were so big they made my head hurt. “But not forever. This is my home.”

I sighed. This is as hard as I had thought, maybe even harder. “Sweetie—”

“Tasha and Granny will be here.”

“I don’t know about Granny, baby,” I said. “Maybe she will want to come with us, or maybe not. Regardless, it will be hard for her. But yes, Tasha will be here. She will come visit us, of course.”

“Christopher and Clara will be h-here.” Her eyes were starting to fill up.

My throat hurt. “I know.”

“Alex will be here.” The tears started to fall.

I pulled her close again, wrapping my arms around her tiny body so that I didn’t have to see her face. “I know,” I said. My voice came out hard.

She was starting to shake. “M-mommy…” she said, and that one word had the power to knock me over like a ten-tonne boulder. I didn’t say anything.

“Mommy, why are you doing this?” she asked after some time, now crying in earnest, her tears wetting my shirtfront. I stroked her hair.

Suddenly she pulled herself out of my arms so fast I couldn’t help but let her go. She stumbled a little standing up, her hair dishevelled and her eyes red. The look she gave me could have turned water to stone. She ran out the door.

I stayed where I was, looking after her and wondering when everything had gotten so messed up.

***

Pulling the afghan over Ella’s shoulders, I rubbed a curl off her pale, wet cheek. My touch caused her face to crinkle.

I took a deep breath and got off the couch, feeling heavy limbed and unimaginably tired.

“Can’t sleep?” a voice asked. I turned to find Alexander drifting into the living room on his crutches. He was wearing flannel bottoms and a bathing robe over no shirt. I was starting to get more comfortable with the sight than I cared to admit.