I feel as if I have been awake all night long. Every minute crawled by at such a deathly rate. I tried to force them on, but they wouldn’t move. I lay in the dark, just listening and wishing that somehow I could fall asleep. I sigh and roll onto my side. Nathan is awake. I hope I didn’t wake him. I didn’t mean to.
“What time is it?” I ask him. He rolls over and reaches for his broken wrist watch off the bedside table. I make him sleep that side, in place of the bear I once slept with. Some kind of protector in the middle of the night from the things that I fear. I don’t tell Nathan that, of course. He would think I was stupid.
“Just after seven,” he says to me.
I sigh again and make myself sit up. Every moment feels like it’s more impossible than the last. I feel more lost than I ever did. There has been no sign of Shelly. Nothing at all. I wish I knew what it was about me that made people leave or ignore me. Maybe then I could get rid of it and be someone better. I know she is probably at her sister’s house. I just don’t understand why she didn’t tell me. Maybe I will never be good enough or worthy to anyone.
All her things are still here, though. Maybe it wasn’t planned. The thoughts start inside, ‘Are her things all here? Did I even look? No, I don’t think I did.’ The thought thumps in my chest. I leap out of bed. I don’t say anything to Nathan. I run to the bathroom. Her make-up bag is still there, on the window ledge. I peek inside. The smell of her perfume wafts out of it and, for just a moment, I think she is here, right with me. I have no idea what I am looking for. How would I know what was missing? She has so many things - powders and sticks of god knows what. I thumb through them trying to decide if she took any of it. Would she have taken the entire bag?
I glance around the bathroom. My mind feels like it spins as I take a mental inventory of everything. Of every room and every item. Nothing was missing. I use the bathroom, wash my face and stare at myself in the mirror. I wish I could see the bad thing that everyone else sees. I wish I could pull it out. I wonder how this is going to carry on. I don’t know how to make her stop doing this to me. I swallow hard and glare at myself.
“I hate you. Everyone does. It’s all you,” I say, and then I turn away, disgusted, just like everyone, at the face of myself.
Nathan has come out of the bedroom. I feel my face go red. I hope he didn’t hear my words. He is dressed in bakery whites. We have a competition today, something about a cake that we have to try and get perfect. Nathan and I have spent some time doing it already, along with Scott, another guy in our class, Nathan doesn’t like him either. But he has to work with us in our team. I hate when they start sniping at each other. Nathan is clever. He knows big words and says them and makes Scott sound stupid. Scott gets mad and threatens to smack him one. Sometimes I get afraid to leave them both together.
“We have to go soon,” he says to me. I nod, but my head feels heavy with my thoughts of everything else. If I just close my eyes, perhaps I can make everything go away, including me.
Nathan plucks a cigarette from his packet and launches it at me across the hall. I catch it and then he throws a lighter too. “Should I make us coffee while you get dressed?”
I light my cigarette and nod in an absent manner. My mind isn’t really there. I don’t know where it’s gone. It feels cloudy, like I have lost my grip on what is real. Nathan walks into my kitchen and I listen as he fills the kettle, but I don’t move. My legs and mind don’t seem to be working together. I try to think about what I am supposed to do, but it feels so hard, like I am in too much pain to move, even though I feel nothing at all. I just stand and smoke my cigarette. I don’t even notice the ash line get too long and fall to the floor.
My stomach jumps as I hear Nathan coming out of the kitchen. He stops and stares at me. I want to step back. I want to hide in the bathroom behind me. Maybe he’ll shout like my dad used to all the time. He’d get so annoyed when my mind wandered off to places of nothingness.
I don’t really know where Nathan goes. My mind wanders away, to someplace safe and far. I can hear Nathan talking to me. My mouth doesn’t feel like my own when I answer. He takes my hand, I think; he leads me to my bedroom. He’s talking, but I have no idea what it is that he is saying to me. I don’t do anything as Nathan gets my own bakery whites. I don’t stop him when he lifts my t-shirt up over my head and removes it. He says my name many times, but I can't make myself snap out of my thoughts. He gets my bakery top, places it over my head and pulls it down. I lift my arms, but they feel weighted with sand. They don’t feel as though they are attached. Nathan does the same with my pants. I even drink the coffee and get my coat on.
I feel as though I am walking through some kind of fog. I can't see it, but I can feel the denseness of it. It stops me like a thick unseen hand. I walk to college with Nathan and go into class. Scott is there. He has all of our things ready for us. But I just go through the motions with them; my mind doesn’t want to engage no matter how much I try to force it.
“Do you want to go for some drinks tonight?” Scott asks me. I can't seem to register what he is asking me. “We’re all going out; Dean says there’s a new club opening.” Dean is another of the guys. He’s okay. He has a few problems; he lives with one of the teachers. His mum and dad died.
I make it through to break somehow, but I am not sure how. As soon as I can, I walk along the corridors to the second year’s room. I thought Shelly was meant to be with us. I thought she was entering the competition too, but she isn’t there. So I go to their bakery room, but she isn’t there either. I stand there, in disbelief, staring at the darkness of the unused room. It’s cold in there - cold because it’s empty. I am not sure I can keep it inside much longer. The tears threaten to come out, I can feel my entire body shaking. I bite down hard.
I won’t cry.
I am not going to do this here.
I turn and walk so fast that I am almost running. I get all the way to the front of the college and head outside and down the steps. I light a cigarette and do the only thing I know how. I get the lit end and put it against my skin. I drag it down in a hot line on my arm.
“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” I say the words almost spitting them out between my clenched teeth. I make everyone go away. Everyone.
I go back to my bakery after. I don’t say anything. I feel so stupid inside. I wish I could just go away. I don’t know why Shelly just goes away and then she doesn’t say.
“Are you okay?” my teacher asks me and I nod my head. If I try to say the words then I will cry. I don’t want to do that. Not in front of everyone. “Do you need to go home?” he asks me. I nod again.
Nathan is staring at me, but I don’t say anything to him. I just wave and look away. I go to get my things and I get out of there very fast. The tears are down my face by the time I get outside. I push my earphones into my ears and walk to the loud music. I step hard and don’t think about anything. I just want to go home. I walk fast so that it makes my legs burn from the effort and my chest struggle to take in as much air as I need for the exertion.
My front door is open when I get home. Shelly is there? It makes my heart bang and my chest feel tight. I feel so mad, but relieved all at the same time. It makes my head float away again. I race into the place and upstairs to my flat. All her things are there. Everything is in boxes.
She stands there with her friend and stares at me. I look around. My stomach twists into knots and nearly comes up.
“You’re leaving while I wasn’t here? You were going to leave and not tell me?” I ask her.
She looks away. “You’re not supposed to be home yet,” she replies.
