we used to fight a hell lot and it was borderline depressing; but I liked how every time we did, it would always revolve around your concern for me, which issues rarely anyone else even bothered to take notice of. how you noticed the small replies I always gave and the fake laughter and smiles I put up, was beyond me. how did you ever know that I always shifted the topics- when it bothered me- to others concern so they would be emotionally involved with their story and forget about mine.
I remember the exact words you told me the last day we talked, you had said, "don't push me away; you keep doing that to people who care about you. if you can't tell sammy (my best friend) about your problems- since you claim she has issues that she needs to take care of- I’m here for you.
"you always think therapy sessions were the worst, because you could never open up. but please don't do this to me. you need help." and how oh so easily I forgot about every word you comforted me with and only took offence to the last sentence.
YOU NEED HELP.
You.
Need.
Help.
I did, I fucking still do. but I was so angry at you for being right, that I ignored you. I never talked to you ever again. it was my fault, all mine. and I wish I had someone to blame, but I can't. fuck it, I can't. and now you just added to my fucking list of problems. but I’ll never regret any time we spent together.
every time you were with me, my soul would be shifted into a much lighter place. it amazed me how someone could have such a happy and easy life. and those times I was with you I would look up at you- noticing your curly black mop and then the crinkles by your eyes. it helped me, you did. but I threw it all away, just because I’m "impossible"
I don't know if it was the first time you noticed me in shambles, but I remember you asked me once, when I was drunk, but I was aware of everything. of everything ‘you.’ you had asked me, "hey, do you only remember me when you're high?" your exact words, and this was wayyyy before the song 'why'd you only call me when you're high' came out. I laugh every time I listen to that song now because, how ironic, right?
and fuck I miss you. I still have my fucking issues and I will still never open up to you if you come back to me but I’m sure of one thing and it's that I fucking miss you, you prick! and maybe, maybe this graceless heart has fallen madly in love with you.
and I hate you, von.
