Against the Tide - A New Elysium Story [Complete]

4. Two in One and Three and a Half

Three hundred sixty-five.

That was the number of people they had killed since becoming Amy Larsson. Coincidentally, it was also the exact number of days since he had called out to her for the first time, to keep her from killing herself. Her side of their mind, the organic side, was usually not very good at keeping track of such details, but she kept track of those two numbers with meticulous obsession.

Two hundred fifty-three had been raiders, thieves, soldiers and other scum that they had annihilated in space battles, beaten to death, poisoned or shot.

One hundred twelve people had died when they had blown up Symoa station four months ago.

None of them had been innocent, really, there had been blood on all of their hands. Most of these people would have killed them first if they hadn't simply been too slow. Lars had never counted the lives that had been lost in the battles he had fought before joining Null, and it had never occurred to him that somehow, their guilt might be transferred to him upon their death. But now that Null was feeling like that, it weighed as heavy on him as it weighed on her.

Happy anniversary, she remarked drily, and the pain in her voice seemed to tear him apart.

It was moments like this that he realized that no matter how close his mind was to hers, there was a kind of comfort he could never give her, because it would have to come from outside, somehow. He was at a lack of words to speak or images to show her, so instead he took control of their arms and crossed them in front of them. To an outside observer it could have looked like Amy Larsson was hugging herself.

As they stood on the small port side observation deck of the Blackstar, staring out into the dark abyss of space, he couldn't help but be reminded of the times before his awakening with her, when he had stood beside his human captain. She was so very unlike that man, who would always stand with his hands clasped behind a straightened back, wearing a standard uniform and military buzzcut hair.

She, on the other hand, was casually leaning against the rail behind her, arms crossed in front of her chest, wearing a skin-tight black and white combat suit, and her hair, long and open, was falling forward over her shoulders. She was nothing like any of the men and women he had served with. She had never been trained as a soldier, but by now, she was definitely none the less lethal.

But there were things the woman who was his home now and the man he had served under had in common. She had that same sense of self doubt that came with making important decisions, the same nagging questioning of her abilities and her judgment, the same occasional fear of holding more power than she could control. It was overall a very organic thing, he realized.

When an AI made a decision, it was based on all the information and facts at hand. There was no room for doubt, especially not after the decision had been already made, even in the face of new revelations. An AI would shrug it off, and would continue to make the next decisions based on purely logical arguments at any given time. But a human would go back to a decision and ponder it over again. And over and over and over again.

Perhaps that was what made them such good leaders, after all.

You miss him a lot, don't you.

At the sound of her voice, he inadvertently made their body jerk in surprise. It always caught him off guard how well she could read even his silence.

Yes. I suppose so. Sorry, I can't really help it.

Don't apologize for your feelings, Lars, she scolded him softly, a smile appearing on her lips. It's not like you could control them. That's kind of the point.