vulgar.

五

When she came home her mother was fairly surprised to see her daughter home so early.
"Darling what happened? Why did are you home already? Is the teacher sick? Are you sick?"

Sick. !@#$ asked herself that aswell. Is she sick? Is it called sick when you can't care and are just disrespectful? Is it called sick when you yourself ask yourself this question? "I don't know.." she trailed off. "What do you mean you don't know?" "What?"
Her mother signed and laughed a little. "Okay I didn't quiet get that" she said with a calm voice" now, just tell me what happened and why you're here so early."
!@#$ didn't really wanna say what really happened. Who would talk about how their teacher turned into a woman thing and probably tired to kill her?
"I got hit in the head in P.E. and blacked out. The teacher told me I should go home and rest."
"Oh my, are you okay?" Her mother asked concerned for her daughter. Sometimes !@#$  asked herself if she actually meant the things she said. All of the scoldings that she had recieved or all of the praises she would get when she got a good grade. Sometimes she would even catch herself wondering if this all was an act, but she always shrugged it off.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just go to my room." She mumbled and left. "I'm gonna call you when lunch is ready. Rest till then!" She heard her mother shout. !@#$ didn't answer and just kept walking to her room. The first thing she did when she went into her room was slump down into her bed with a thud. She found herself in the same state as yesterday night, just looking at her ceiling and thinking.
Thinking about what? "I don't-"

!@#$ cut herself off. How long has she been doing this? How long has she been answering with a simple I don't know? How long will she keep doing this? Repeating the same cycle of her life, not even knowing why she was the way she was. Something that she did know was that in the past, she and her fathet got into a car accident.
!@#$ lost her memory an her father died in the hospital. Her mother seemed very unfazed by what had happened and didn't even cry at his funeral. !@#$ didn't blame her though. She didn't cry either. She didn't know who she was supposed to be mourning. Her father, yes but she couldn't remember anything from him.
Always when she would ask about him, her mother would always shrug it off and tell her that it doesn't matter. Knowing that her mother could get very mean, she never asked again in the last few years. She did wanna know about him but the person she wanted to know more about was herself.

She wondered who she was before all of this. She wondered, how she was, how she talked and how she thought. Who was she in the past? What about friends? All that she knew from her friends before they left her was, that she changed in a bad way. They didn't tolerate the fact that she couldn't do anything about it. That's why she didn't even care when they left.
"You were so nice before!" "Why are you so mean all of a sudden?"
"We want the old !@#$ back!"

!@#$. She didn't know her name. Or at least she didn't understand it. The only thing that she heard were jumbled up letters which didn't make any sense.
When she first heard it like that, She got scared. She was so scared. She was scared that she'll go insane but something in her head kept her from doing so. It prevented her from getting pulled into a never-ending state of hopelessness.
She got herself back together but something came with it.
Something that earned her the name
Mashaka, which she thought was kinda stupid since it literally meant "trouble".
But on the other half, she understood why. Always when she was around, everyone knew that they were in for some trouble. The way !@#$ threw her insults directly into her victims face was petriffing to watch. In moments like these, !@#$ felt a feeling that she couldn't describe. It was a mix of pleasure, sadness and regret, yet she couldn't get herself to stop. It had became part of her to be like this. But it all felt wrong sometimes because deep inside she knew that she never actually was like this. She knew that she was different before and she was gonna find out who she was.

"!@#$ lunch is ready! Come down and eat while it's still warm darling!" She heard her mother shout from downstairs.
"Coming mom!" She shouted back and stood up, looking out for any edges on which she could stub her toe on. When the coast seemed clear she rushed out of her room and downstairs, only to be greeted with the smell of her mother's food. No matter how mean she was, she never would say no to her mother's cooking.
For the first time in what seemed like years, she smiled. A smile that wasn't because she just won in an argument with a teacher, but a smile that was actually because she was delighted with herself.
While still smiling, she went into the dining room to her mother, who smiled back.
The rest of the evening was set in a light atmosphere which calmed both
!@#$ and her mother.