Journal

A Letter to my Family

I'm writing this because I know that there is no way that I can say what I need to say. It just isn't who I am, but I need to get this out of my head because if I don't I may lose my mind... I already feel like I am.

I am not happy living with you anymore. Not even a little bit. I've told you that I want to move out and I keep saying that me wanting to move out has nothing to do with y'all, but that isn't even a little bit true. I want to move out to get away from y'all and the disaster y'all have turned my mother's house into.

When I said that it was okay for y'all to move in I gave one stipulation. Keep the house clean. At first that wasn't a problem, but as the weeks and months drew by everyone got lazier and lazier. I did my best to keep the house clean, but there's only so much one person can do in a house full of four other people who seem to want to live in filth.

I don't know how many times I cleaned the house top to bottom on my days off of work and told each and every one of you that I didn't want it back the way it was. Two days later it always looked the way that it had before I cleaned... Even after I yelled and screamed on Christmas because roaches ruined all of our food and we had nothing to eat.

I'm done. I told the kids that the last time I cleaned the house. I won't clean up after people who don't give a shit. If you want to live in filth then fine. Live in it, but I'm done being your maid. I can't do it anymore. It's affecting my mental health which is already on the rocks.

I don't know if you know this, but I suffer from depression and this living situation is making it a lot worse than it needs to be. Ever since my mom passed I've been just a shell of who I once was. I put on a good act and a good mask to make everyone think that I'm happy, but I'm far from it. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and pray to God that when I wake up my pain is gone, but it never is... and then my baby, my sweet angel who I had by my side for thirteen years passed away.

To most he was just a dog, but to me he was my best friend, my constant companion. I loved him more than anyone can ever understand and when he died something in me changed. I don't know what it was, but it was like I could see clearly for the first time in months. I can see just how far my life has strayed from the path I wanted to be on and it's pushed me farther into depression, but I'm done with wallowing in it. I have to make the changes I need to make in my life before it kills me inside.

Living here is also flaring up my anger problems. I feel like when I'm not depressed I'm angry. All I want to do is yell and scream and honestly beat the shit out of someone. I do my best to hold it in, but I know it's only a matter of time before I blow up on someone and I don't want that to happen.

My second biggest issue is tied into the first. A lack of respect. Not a single one of you has it. You don't give a shit about anything or anyone else living in that house.

You all go into my room without asking even when I'm not there. My shirts and other stuff constantly wind up missing, but when I ask about it no one has seen anything... yet two or three days later one of you will be wearing it or I'll find it in one of your rooms.

All of my mom's dishes have come up missing or broken and I'm starting to feel like it isn't an accident. I feel like your thought process is if it is missing or broken then it doesn't have to be washed. If anything happens to my grandmother's dishes, I swear someone will wound up being hurt.

The kids write on the walls and poke holes in them. They've completely destroyed the carpet in their room with "science experiments" and letting the dogs shit all over. They ignore anything asked of them and to be honest I'm tired of playing parent to children that aren't mine. I didn't sign on for that. I feel like you don't give a shit how your kids turn out. I mean for crying out loud, the girl has had a very graphic online relationship with a nineteen year old man and she's only twelve years old! Twelve!! Instead of punishing her and taking away her online privileges you just let her do whatever the fuck she wants. She cuts herself and even attacked a kid at school with a pencil and still nothing gets done. Mark my words that girl will be pregnant by the time she's sixteen and I refuse to be here to raise her kid just like I feel like I'm raising yours.

The boy is suffering from depression. All he does is eat, play video games, and watch YouTube. He's ten and weighs a hundred and seventy five pounds. He's also closed off emotionally.

Both kids are so starved for attention that they will get it wherever they can find it and they've never been taught how to process negative emotions. They both shut down completely whenever they get into trouble or are upset. Which is often because they get upset over every little thing. The boy shut down simply because he was asked to clean of the kitchen table so we could eat dinner today.

The girl is confused about herself and her body which is normal for a preteen, but she's taking it to an extreme. She cuts herself because she doesn't know how to deal with the emotions she's having no one has taught her and she's scared to ask because you ignore her.

I know that it seems like I'm putting everything on y'all, but I'm really not. I know that I'm not perfect. I have issues just like everyone else does. There are days where I don't want to get out of bed and do anything. I yell at the kids when they're annoying me. I go days without taking a shower. I stay in my room all the time. I know that I am far from perfect and it takes everything that I have just to get out of bed in the mornings and go to work.

Honestly, I could go on for pages about how I feel about myself, and I know that it's hard to balance everything that goes on in life and that sometimes things don't get done. That's okay... sometimes, but to let those things go for months at a time... to destroy a home that you've barely been in for a year... to spend money on everything else before you pay bills... I just don't understand how you can live like that.

For so long I have put everyone else's happiness above my own because I didn't have a choice. I had to take care of my mom when she got sick and take care of the house for her. I did it for so long that I forgot how to live for myself and you know what, it's time that I figure that out again. It's time that I stop putting everyone else's happiness before my own because if I don't start living for myself then I will never truly be happy.

That's what this letter is about. It's about letting go of everything else and focusing on myself. That's also what moving out is about. So, yes you may be upset at me and yes I may feel bad, but you guys are grown and both of you have jobs. It's time that y'all figure out how to do this without me and it's time that I figure out how to live for myself. I can't do that if I'm living with you.

Even if you never see this letter or know how I feel, I will be okay. I've let my feelings out and put them into words and now I know that even though I'm upset about all of these things, that isn't why I need to move out and be on my own. I need to move out and be on my own for myself. If I can't figure out how to live on my own and be happy on my own, then I know that I will never be happy with anyone else.

That isn't what I want. I'm human just like everyone else (I hope), and I want companionship. I want to get married and have kids and grow a family, but I won't know how to do that if I don't know how to take care of myself first.

-Z