Decoding The Boys ✔️

72 - Would Ever Go || unedited / unrevised

Everything made sense. Lahat ng tinatago niya sa 'kin, lahat ng hindi malinaw, lahat ng sikreto. Suddenly, everything was clear as daylight.

Kaya pala. Kaya pala lagi na lang siyang may kausap. Kaya pala lagi na lang siyang abala. Kaya pala lagi na lang akong nagdududa. I was fucking sharing him with some other bitch.

With that reminder, my blood ran cold and those stupid tiny needles began their assault on my heart again. Tears pricked my eyes.

Dammit.

Maybe I should've ended things right before they began. I miscalculated. This was nothing but a mishap in my plans. Ang tanga tanga ko rin kasi not to see the red flags, the glaring signs. Player din siya. Katulad ng mga iniiwasan ko. The worst of all. All those archetypes I made for nothing. In the end, wala pa rin pala akong takas sa kanila. How could I not notice the signs—or did I ignore them? I'd never thought I'd see that type in this life.

Maybe that's how it is? Every wall has a crack just like how every plan has a hole. Walang foolproof plan ever. Kahit gaano ka pa maghanda mahirap talaga kapag ikaw na ang nasa sitwasyon. May kanya kanya tayong katangahan pagdating sa pagmamahal. This was mine. He was my mistake.

Matapos kong ubusin ang lakas ko sa shooting range at kung saan saan pa, nandito na ako sa Roxas Boulevard. I wasted all day going around places, aimless and unsure of how to steel myself. It was now getting dark. Wala na akong pakialam kung manganib ako dito o magmukhang tanga kasi kanina pa ako umiiyak.

Shit kasi.

Sobrang sakit. It only took a minute to break my world. It took even less to destroy every good memory we had. Ang masakit pa doon, ang atake ng mga katanungan sa isip ko.

Bakit? Paaano niya nagawa 'yon? Kailan pa?

Saan ako nagkulang?

Binigay ko naman ang lahat, 'di ba? I even almost lost my brothers for him! So bakit? Collateral damage lang ba talaga ako? Casualty lang ba ako sa naging away nila ng kapatid ko? 'Yon lang ba talaga ang worth ko, ang identity ko sa kanya? Kapatid ng lalaking nanakit sa pinsan niya?

Tangina. Tangina talaga. Paano ko kakalimutan ang lahat ng pinagsamahan namin? He was a lot of my firsts and above all, he was my greatest love.

Paano ko sisimulang buuin ang sarili ko sa pagkakalugmok na 'to? At ang mas masakit pa kasi kahit na sinaktan at niloko niya ako, mahal ko pa rin siya. Just . . . dammit!

The sound of my phone blasting through the silence of the night made me jump from my seat. It was Angelo calling.

I rejected his call again. Wala akong lakas ng loob na sumagot ng kahit anong tawag.

Angelo Castillo:

Jamie V!! Why u rejecting this handsome god :((( Let's hang out! U promised me :(

With shaky fingers, I wiped the tears on my face and responded.

Me:

Not the best time, sorry

Angelo Castillo:

Oh he's there? Sorry :(

Me:

No. It's over

Angelo Castillo:

What? Where are you?

Me:

Here and there.

Angelo Castillo: