Summer's Desire Vol. 1 (Complete)

Part 2: Chapter 5 *with Seth's picture

Chapter 5

I'm on the school bus, heading for Rockford High. This morning at breakfast, Jessica made it clear that she wouldn't drive me to school in her car, which was very much all right with me. I wouldn't have wanted her to, anyway.

I swear, when I share the same space with this girl, it's like she's aiming these poisonous little darts at me all the freaking time. This entire morning she made sly, nasty hints: basically shredding my taste in clothes, my hair, my skin, everything about me, even my adding a bit of sugar to my chocolate milk at breakfast. If I were to believe her insinuations, I'd see myself as an acne-plagued, overweight hunchback with straw hair and wearing her granny's clothes, and I'd have to put a bag on my face before going out in public. Or even out of my room.

I've tried to ignore her hostility but it's already wearing me out. Before meeting Jessica I'd been proud of my thick skin, always letting insults and mockery go over my head—yet it seems that my previous airtight armor is no match for this girl's toxicity.

I'm looking out the window, my earphones on, but I don't hear the music from my player. I've tried to occupy my mind with Jessica, but the closer the bus gets to Rockford High, the less is that distraction working. So I give in and let myself think of Seth.

Today I'll see him, and I'll finally be able to move on.

For more than five years, I haven't been able to reconcile the image of the Seth with whom I grew up—the sweet boy who cared for me and protected me and held me in my sleep—with the image of the Seth after I left—the boy who broke his promise to me, who cut me out of his life without mercy, who was callous enough to ignore 365 letters I wrote him and the phone numbers I sent him, begging him to call.

This last part is what hurts the most, I think. Maybe I could have understood that he stopped wanting to be my friend. Or at least, I wouldn't have judged him for it. But I don't think I'll ever understand, or forgive, his heartlessness in not contacting me even once. After our years together, the least he owed me was a measly letter or phone call to tell me straight up that he didn't want me as a friend anymore.

This immense contrast, between the Seth who loved me and the Seth who abandoned me, has tormented me all this time. I may have alternated between missing him and hating him, but I've never forgotten him. I'm still tied to him with the heavy chains of all our shared memories, all his smiles, all his tender words to me.

And I need to be set free.

Today I'll look at him and I won't see my childhood friend anymore. I'll see a grown boy, a stranger after five years of no contact, and I'll finally be free of him.

I'll finally see that the Seth I knew and loved is gone forever.

The bus has stopped. I've alighted, and now I'm standing in front of Rockford High, with students all around me. Just like that, I'm confronted with the actual reality of where I am and what's about to happen today. All of a sudden I can't breathe properly anymore. My feet are frozen to the ground, my heart is beating too fast, and I fear I'm about to have a panic attack.

Stop it! I give myself a mental slap. So yeah, possibly I'll glimpse Seth today. That's not the equivalent of the apocalypse coming, right?

Oh merciful heaven, but it sure feels that way, as if I'm about to confront my own personal Armageddon! And did I just say that I'll possibly glimpse Seth? Yeah, right. Way to play it cool, Summer. In truth, if he's anywhere on school premises, I'll make sure I see him, even if I have to sneak into the guys' locker room to do so. And jeez, did I just think that? Eww, am I really that far gone? I don't think so. Or I hope not, though I can't be sure.