Tomorrow

Chapter Three: Hope

Chapter Three

            "You're late."

            I look up from the ground, confused. Everyone in the clinic is looking at me, including all the patients. But there are a pair of eyes that are greener than all the rest. I recognize my father and connect those words to his voice. "I- uh..." My receding blush came rushing back.

            Marie, the psychiatric nurse who treats both of my parents rushes over to me, arms reaching out to take my cup from me. "Oh, Alex, I forgot. She was here before you were ready so I asked her to go get me a coffee," she says.

            "Tea," I correct her in a whisper.

            "I mean Tea! It's too late in the afternoon for coffee," she explains.

            "It's noon," my father says with a scrunched up face. His features suddenly turned sour. "You're lying!!!" He stood up from the couch he was sitting on, and everyone else in the room stared at the scene in spectacle. "You didn't ask her! You were with me the entire time I was eating. You were, I saw you there! Don't try to tell me you told her to go get you coffee." He's right in front of us and points a finger at me. "You," he says angrily. "You are late. I was sitting here, waiting for you. I thought something happened. I thought you died. Or you got in a - a car accident damn it!" his shouts turn hysterical but no one makes any move to restrain him. "I thought you were just like her." His words are full of poison. I know that by her he means my mother, who he refuses to call by name. His hands go to his hair and he starts pulling at the long blond locks in frustration. "I can't worry about you anymore. Go away. Please." He's curled up in a ball, looking away from me. I am still, not trusting his bipolar manner. He looks directly at me, points a finger to the door, and shouts, "GO! PLEASE."

            Marie hands me my tea slowly, and I retreat to the door. But I still need to see my mother. So, I hide by a bush and watch through the glass doors as Marie gets my father to get up and go upstairs, to his room. Business then resumes as usual and I creep in behind a man in a grey suit and blue tie.      I look at the woman at the reception desk and she nods knowingly. I have to get to my mother before my father decides to come back to the main lobby, there was no time for signing in.

            And besides, what was I going to do? There were burly men everywhere, guarding the visitors from the patients and vice-versa.

            After I go up the second set of stairs, I meet a wire fence. The guy that mans it presses a button and it buzzes. I open it and smile at him as I make my way to my mother's room.

            Before I see her, I always have to stand outside of her room and take six deep breaths and prepare myself for what is to come. It's like she's physically here, but mentally she's somewhere else. Sometimes she'll come back to herself and all she'll want to do is hug me and hold me like I'm her little girl until the visiting hours are over and I have to leave with a promise I'll be back soon. And I always come back within the week. But when all I want to see behind that door is the same woman that treats me like her baby, it's hard to stare into her blank, frozen eyes. If she even looks at me.

            Three breaths. I take time to remind myself it's not her fault she's in this situation. Life happens.

            Six. I slowly turn the knob, open the door, and take in the scene before me. My mother is sitting on her little red recliner, hugging her knees and staring out the window. I expect her to turn to me and smile like before, but she never does. Ever. And you'd think that I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up, and to just expect the catatonic human she is. But I can't lose hope. It's the only thing that keeps me going. The only thing that keeps me from going back to a mime myself.

            There's twenty feet that separate the two of us. I cross them and sit next to her on the couch. She doesn't even know I'm here. I tentatively poke her shoulder, and she stops breathing for a little bit and I expect her to acknowledge me, but she just stares out the window. "Hi, mom," I say slowly. "Your hair looks nice today. It's getting really long. When are they going to take you to get a haircut?" I pause, waiting for her to answer, but like always, nothing. "I'll tell Marie to take you sometime. I think it'd be nice. I'll pay her to have someone come and give you a manicure and pedicure too. Your nails are getting pretty long," I say, taking her hand. There's no warmth in it. I might as well be holding a mannequin, she's that stiff.

            I can't help but miss the way she used to warmly touch my cheeks and smile at me. Even if it was forced, I still appreciated it. Rather have that than absolutely nothing.

            Getting up, I let go of her hand and go stand by the window that she's always staring out of. The sun's pretty bright even if it's mid-winter. There's kids playing outside, throwing snowballs at each other. "Is that what you're watching?" I ask, turning to her. She doesn't even do as much as glance my way. I watch her for a while more and I'm surprised when I see a smile creep on to her face. Then she looks at me. I rush over to her, kneeling down so we can be eye-to-eye , and take her hands in mine. "Mom? Mom, can you hear me?" Her smile turns wider and I grin back, taking in the beauty of her being happy. I haven't seen her smile at all since I've been coming to the hospital. And this smile is real. So real. Her eyes crinkle at the corner and the crow's feet that have been growing around them reach her  hairline.

            "Mom?" She then purses her lips, still smiling, but I notice that she's not looking at me. At first glance, it would seem like she was, but she's not focused on me. Like she's looking through me. I turn and expect to see my father but all my eyes take in are the white brick walls of the hospital. What's she looking at? I slowly turn back to her, hoping to see that same smile, even if it wasn't for me, but she's back to looking at the window with that empty stare. My heart clenches in complete sadness and pain. Suddenly it's impossible for me to breathe.

            I rise quickly and drop her hands. "I'll be back soon, okay?" I lean down and kiss her forehead, lingering for just a little while as a single tear runs on my cheek. "I love you mom."

            Pacing towards the door, I open it and stop. I glance back, hoping with all of my being that she would be looking at me. But she wasn't. So, I walk out, holding in sobs of grief.

            The walk from the hospital to my apartment was a blur. I was in so much pain, but I had to hold in my tears. By the time I locked the door of my apartment behind me, I was ready to burst. But I couldn't yet. I took off my boots, going to the sink an shaking off the snow that was glued to the sole. Then I got into some comfortable clothes, and walked over to my desk. I turned on my laptop, and a blank page greeted me. I took a deep breath before I wrote down the next words.

            Visit 122: She smiled today. A real smile. But it wasn't for me. I still have hope. He was mad because I was late. It seems like his dementia and anger is getting worse. But I still have hope. Going back tomorrow.

            Then I pressed save, closed my computer, and broke down.

            *A/N* Hey! Sorry for the long wait. I really haven't been feeling my best and I have so many other things to do, so writing isn't really a priority, sorry. But I hope ya'll liked this chapter even if it was repetitive. Well, I'm going to Las Vegas from the third to the eighth, so don't expect an update those days! Maybe before then! Hope ya'll have a blessed week/month until the next update. (With me, you never know)