Quotes, jokes, advice, & facts that relate to your everyday life XD

Quotes, jokes, advice, & facts that relate to your everyday life

Jokes and more taken from  https://mobile.twitter.com/TheComedyJokes

1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. Congratulations, you just made a Pitbull song.

Mom, my friends don't care if my room is messy, they just care if we have food!

"Sorry, but you aren't as good at singing as you think." -Shower

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.

If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared?

In Japan, it's difficult to forget your ex-boyfriend. All the people you see reminds you of him

SpongeBob: "Patrick, you're a genius!" Patrick: "Yeah I get called that a lot" SpongeBob: "What, a genius?" Patrick: "No, Patrick."

Remember Hey Arnold? RugRats? CatDog? RocketPower? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?... when Nickelodeon made sense.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with someone you dont know and it's like dont look at me ! dont look at me!. Does it happen to you?

I get so paranoid when someone doesn't reply to me

Monsters Inc 2 is coming out in 2013 move out of the way kids, i've been waiting 10 f*cking years for this.

Strangers: "Excuse me, please." Family: "Let me get through." Best friends: "Get the f*ck out of my way, bitch!"

"Are you single?" .. "No, I'm plural." .. "No, i meant are you free this Friday?" .. "No, I'm expensive." ;)

Saying "what" but then one second later realizing what they have said 

That awesome moment when the whole class laughed at what you said, so you just sit there like a boss.

I’m really good at keeping secrets because five minutes later I forget what you told me because I don’t care

You'll never understand until it happens to you

Don't judge a situation you've never been in.

Don’t believe everything you hear. There are always three sides to a story: yours, theirs and the truth.

I hate it when i put my songs on shuffle and it plays every song expect the one i actually wanna listen to

When I was little I had a huge imagination. Now I can't even make up a story for English class.

"Hey come with me to the store." 

"NO!" 

"I'll buy you something." 

"Ok"

U tell a lie? I cried. U flirt? I hurt. U forgot? I remembered. U promised? I kept it. U were done? I was trying. You love me? Stop lying

The awkward moment when you can't understand someone even though they repeated themselves 5 times.

do you ever eat so much food and you’re like “ i probably shouldn’t” but you do anyway bc eating is fun

I hate songs that are like 75% bad but the chorus is so good that you suffer through the whole song just to hear one part like three times.

College be like

Housing: $2,980

Meal plan: $1,457

Books: $1,429