Chapter 1 - Beauty is pain, and pain is painful.
- Rule 1 -
Be gorgeous. Always.
I always knew that it wouldn't just be a change of clothing and a can-do mentality. But I really didn't think that I would have to think so hard about it all. I mean, if you took into account a few limitations, the whole scheme suddenly seemed a lot harder.
1) If my parents found out about the fact that I was 'succumbing to peer pressure to be someone I'm not' there is a high chance they will send me to a child psychologist.
2) I am about as sexy as a root vegetable.
3) My budget is non-existent.
4) My acting is bad. As in, Kirstin Stewart bad.
5) I will have to report my every move to Janice. Apparently this will mean that she can be sure that no funny business is going on (I'm not sure what she meant by this, and I'm not sure I was to know either)
And so, here I was, sitting in my room, feeling deflated, when I suddenly had a lightbulb moment.
You know you all have that aunt that thinks that they're 'down with the kids' (cringe) and buys you clothes and stuff every time they visit? If you don't have one of those aunts then... Sucks for you.
I do. Except instead of thinking she's twenty, she is. Its a long story which basically boils down to my grandparents being sexually active till quite a late point in their lives.
Understandably, I don't like to talk (or think) about it that much, so for convenience sake we just refer to each other as cousins. So basically, she's a completely loaded cousin figure. Who wont tell my parents anything because she dislikes them as much as I do.
I dialed her number, my fingers punching the keys hard enough to break any normal phone, but my nokia brick was staying strong, as it has been for the past four years.
"Hello? " Her voice crackled on the other end of the line
"Hey Nina, my favourite cousin, we're going shopping with your money!"
"You whore. You only want me for my money"
"No comment. Be here in ten. Bring a lot, I'm finally giving into pressure and becoming a barbie"
"Pffftt, there's one model that wouldn't sell. However, since I have always wanted to do a massive makeover number on you, I shall act now, ask questions later"
"How generous of you, you've got a mental standing ovation from me"
"You're a strange one, you know that right?"
"Obviously. Like totally, 100%"
"I think you've been spending too much time with your parents. I'm coming over now, hang in there, mental case"
Which is how, four hours, twenty million (five) shopping bags later, I found myself standing outside Nina's favourite place in the world.... 'Belle's', the beauty salon.
As soon as I'd seen where she had led me I put my foot down
"No. I am not being groomed like a freaking horse"
"I was actually only taking you in here for a trim and some highlights. But now you mention it... oh I'm gonna have fun with this"
My eyes widened to the point where I probably looked like I'd had a stick shoved up my bum, as I realised what I had unwittingly imposed on myself. The closest form to legal torture.
Frozen in equal parts horror and terror, I could only watch, mute, as Nina confidently strode up to the desk and spoke to the girl behind the counter in her smooth drawl
"What exactly is included in the 'Full Monty' package?"
The girl gave a smile bright and artificial enough to rival Las Vegas before replying
"It's just basically everything we offer with a discount of twenty percent. So that includes...." a pause as she shuffled around behind her desk before surfacing with a turquoise and pink leaflet in her hands "Leg wax, bikini wax, eyebrow threading, cut and blowdry with either highlights or full dye, full body massage, manicure, pedicure and a face mask"
"Great, I'll take two of them"
"Don't you want to know how muc-"
"Just put it on my card. I think I'd rather not know and worry about it when I get my next bank statement"
"If you're sure Miss... And who might the second package be for?"
Nina whirled around, as she suddenly realised that I wasn't standing next to her. As her eyes landed on me, I gave her a stony smile and wave, letting her know that I wasn't going to appreciate the unwanted pain she was about to inflict on me.
She dragged me by the arm, over to a wooden door that said changing rooms, and thrust a fluffy turquoise robe in my direction, before yelling at me that 'If you're not out in ten minutes I'm coming in your cubicle and dragging your sorry ass out, naked'. To be honest, if I wasn't certain that she would actually go through with it, I wouldn't have changed.
But it was Nina, and she was completely shameless, and just slightly insane.
Robe tickling my skin pleasantly, I inched out of my cubicle. Nina gave me a manically excited look and linked her arm through mine.
Then she lead me through a set of wooden double doors and into my own personal hell.
