Please Talk about Me When I'm Gone

Rebellion

(2000)

i.

Question: What are you rebelling against?

Answer: Whaddya got?

The thing most adjusted adults eventually understand is that everyone who marches to that proverbial different beat does so not necessarily out of abandon or indifference; it's usually a calculated, even cultivated design for defiance. Of course, when you're young you have your youth to burn, like Marlon Brando on a motorcycle. Or perhaps you long to improve upon the petulance of previous generations: you hear the different drummer and then refuse to march even to that music. It isn't that you're going nowhere; you're content to not even go there, to keep one step ahead of oblivion, and achieve it by any means necessary so long as you're still inside the cyclone.

ii.

You think: Sometimes it's better not to think.

Ignorance, after all, is bliss and a little ignorance goes a long way, especially in this hyperspace, computer-chip, information-overload moment in time. A moment in perpetual fast-forward. Time, it seems, can scarcely keep up with itself.

On occasion (every day, more or less), you find yourself overwhelmed by a compulsion to comprehend the things you can't control that have complete control over you. Things like aging and illness and quantum space and the mysteries of compassion. For starters. The things only poets understand, and who understands poets? Each person, it seems, must ultimately develop a progressive inability to understand the world in which he suffers and survives. And maybe this is a good thing, all things considered. Maybe this is for the best. If the necessary miracles of evolution unfolded in ways we could readily fathom, anarchy would likely ensue. If people understood how Nature really works and the ways in which the game is rigged, think of all the would-be Robinson Crusoes, setting sail for the deserted islands that no longer exist. They simply aren't there.

The future, as it always seems to be, remains at once exciting and intimidating to consider. And yet: thinking about the reality, the inevitability of the twenty-first century, it doesn't seem altogether possible. Can't we just slow things down a bit and grapple with the century that we let get away from us sometime back in the mid-to-late 1800s? The Pony Express, the phone, the phonograph, pasteurization, planes, product assembly lines, atomic bombs, apartheid, All The President's Men, politics as usual. Prosperity. Privation. Privacy. The Internet. Enough.

After a century of explosions-overpopulation, death, wealth, squalor, apathy, ethnic cleansing, email-is there anything left to establish or invent? Haven't we already outdone ourselves? What does the new century, the future, have to dole out that we haven't already discovered? What do we have to fear that doesn't already stare us dead in the face? Aside from the fact that we're still unable to cure ancient diseases, we can't feed everyone, superstitious tribes are ceaselessly quarreling, and every single one of us will eventually, inevitably die.

To be continued.

You think.

iii.

Milan Kundera, in the book Testaments Betrayed, explains his vision of the novelist's acumen, which is "a considered, stubborn, furious nonidentification, conceived not as evasion or passivity but as resistance, defiance, rebellion."

In The Brothers Karamazov, in the chapter entitled "Rebellion," the mercurial Ivan lays out his rationale for rejecting God. If the ostensibly benevolent-and omnipotent-Being who created us in His image can be credited for everything we see and achieve, He must also be accountable for all the inexplicable misery. Ivan is, ultimately, less concerned with Heaven or Hell than what occurs on God's watch, here on earth. Even if his personal salvation were secured, even if every soul's redemption was guaranteed, the arrangement is intolerable if it depends upon one innocent child being forced to suffer. Ivan is incapable of accepting any circumstance where ultimate peace is contingent upon anyone's pain. This is his rebellion.

Taking this scenario one step further, Ursula K. Le Guin, in her short story "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas," synthesizes elements of what both Kundera and Dostoyevsky are describing. In her tale, once certain types of people ascertain the way things really work (on earth as it is in heaven), they turn their backs and forsake the security of organized society. Unable to reconcile the cost of a not-so-ignorant bliss, Le Guin's heroes rebel by refusing to endorse-or even abide-the practical and spiritual cost of doing business.

In Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut draws an intractable line in the sand (or salt), siding with vulnerable humans over an infallible God: "And Lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been. But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human."

iv.

Once I'd dispensed with organized religion and then determined that academia was no longer a suitable solution, I might have become paralyzed, either because of other options or the lack thereof. Instead, I felt oddly liberated, although that realization by no means occurred overnight. Eventually, I found I wasn't running away from anything so much as feeling compelled to run toward almost everything. Avoiding quiet desperation became my approach; finding ways to make art into life and life into art was my new mantra. (So simple, so impossible.)

My rebellion, if it could accurately (or fairly) be described as such, was rather simply an antagonism against cliché: clichéd thoughts, actions, excuses, and even intentions. I still wasn't certain what was going to work for me, but I was steadily recognizing what wasn't going to work. Understanding that bills had to be paid, relationships had to be cultivated, mistakes had to be made, and, above all, that one day I would no longer be around, my objective revolved around an obsession to live a life nobody but I could live. During those post-graduate years I steadily fortified, for all time, the most important-and rewarding-relationship of my life: the one with myself.