A New Chapter: Finding Myself After the Storm

Single

Four months. Well, technically it will be four months December 17 of this year(2017). It took me this long to accept the fact that the person I was with for nearly three years was no longer a part of my life at all. Before you get angry on my behalf, I was the one to end the relationship. Neither side cheated, or was cruel. Nothing like that. Just time I suppose. Let me start from the beginning.

At eighteen I thought it'd be fun to join a dating site. While I met a bunch of creeps, there was one person I actually liked. This person and I started talking, and four months later we were in a relationship. The kicker? He was 7 years older than me, and I didn't tell anyone for the first year. We lived 3 hours apart, and being in two different states helped keep everything quite. I won't go into much detail, but his reception into my family didn't go well. Over time things eased up, but it was truly horrible.

Over the next year or so I went through so many changes. Flunking out of college being one of the biggest. ( I will go over this in another chapter.) I also started going through something I'd dealt with before, but not to this extent. I felt drained all the time. Typically, this signals a depressive phase. I thought nothing of it. Until a year later, and I still felt the same. Long story short, tons of doctors appointments and tests later, I was told I had several vitamin deficiencies. No problem right? Take the meds and you're all good... right? Wrong. They helped, but I still had issues sleeping, either too much or not enough, and I still felt drained though a fraction less.

Through all this, my relationship started deteriorating. Long distance relationships require constant work, communication, and patience. All of which I didn't have the energy to deal with. My partner got increasingly frustrated with me, rightfully so, but he also didn't understand in the slightest what I was dealing with. When you're told at 20-21 years old that you are just lazy and there shouldn't be anything wrong with you because you're so young, it leaves a lasting impression. My partner didn't say this, but it did affect our relationship. I was angry, confused, and just plain tired of getting poked and prodded. So I unleashed my frustration on him. Not toward him, but I started venting nearly every time we spoke on the phone. After a while I realized that when we weren't talking about what happened that day, when I'd actually stick to our phone dates, we didn't have much to say. We'd just be on the phone while being occupied playing a game or something. We wouldn't really be talking. Then that moved into not listening at all.

I'm not putting the blame on him, because Lord knows I am equally responsible, but when your partner is telling you something is wrong with them, and they can't find answers? The last thing they need is to be told that if you believed and had enough faith in God that it would just go away. Do I believe that is possible? Yes! Without a doubt. I also believe that you should be reminded of God's amazing blessings and miracles at your lowest points in life, but when you're at a point where you're questioning God Himself, you just want your partner to hold you. That is also hard to do from 149 miles away.

So at that point, I was hanging onto tatters of a relationship I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a part of anymore. This ladies and gents, is where I believe many of you can relate to me. You've put so much time and work into making a relationship work, and many times over the course of several YEARS of your life. I personally fought tooth and nail for mine against my own family. However, like many before me, I came to a realization through giving a friend advice on her relationship. (I completely realize the irony of this.) If the person you're with, a romantic partner or a friend, does not care or show concern for your mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual wellbeing, then they no longer have a place in your life.

As I said these words to my friend, it was like I was hit full-body by a truck. I realized that I couldn't continue anymore. It took me nearly a month to end it, and it was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. I never wanted to hurt him, but I did. I own up to that, and I will understand if he hates me. The end came out of nowhere for him, and that wasn't fair to him. However, staying in a relationship to save feelings is never a good idea. It only leaves bigger, gaping wounds when it finally does end.

So where does that leave me now at nearly four months of singleness? Not far. It's hard. You don't just forget your feelings or memories. It took me a full two months to stop thinking of what he'd think about different things that happened throughout my day. Three months to stop wanting to text or call him to talk about my day. Now at nearly four months, I still have all our pictures, text messages, and Facebook messages on my phone. My heart still aches, but I can talk about this without having a full meltdown. The question, "Did you ever really love him," comes to mind, and my answer? I really don't know what love is. What I do know is that the process of letting him go has been long and difficult. Our three year anniversary would have been December 27th of this year(2017). Ten days after the four month mark of our relationship ending ironically enough.

So I have a long way to go. I will update where I am on here quite a lot. I feel this is a good and healthy outlet. If you have any questions, or just want to discuss your story or anything really, feel free to comment or message me. I love to write, and I stopped for a long time. Hopefully now I can get back into my other story and start new ones. Thank you to everyone who reads this. Like the title says, it's a new chapter for my life. Let's just hope it's a better one than the last.