Niam: What Hurts The Most

Chapter Two

3:27pm, 16th March 2012

"Liam, wait!" Niall shouted, running after Liam into the breezy spring air. "Wait!"

Liam refused to stop, refused to even turn around. The gravel crackled under his sneakers as he ran, the wind hitting him in the face. He didn't know where he was going, just knew that he wanted to get away from Niall.

"Liam, please!" Niall begged, catching up with him as Liam slowed to a walk, too tired. "Let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain," Liam hissed through his teeth. He didn't even know he was crying until he felt the wind lash on the fresh cold tears on his face. He stopped, breathing hard as Niall took his arm tightly.

"There is," he said fiercely. "Don't you want to know why?"

"No!" Liam shouted. "I don't, Niall! I don't want to know! Why did you tell me? Why didn't you just do it? Would've saved me from the hurt, right?"

"Would you rather," Niall said quietly. "That I just disappeared one day out of your life and never came back, then? Without a word of goodbye?"

"This isn't a goodbye, Niall," Liam whispered, holding the smaller boy by the shoulders. "You're not going. I'm never letting you. I- I love you."

Niall stepped back, out of Liam's grasp. "You don't. No one does."

"Is that what you think?" Liam's voice quivered. "Is that why you want to?"

"Its not just a thought," Niall said tightly through clenched teeth. "Its a fact."

"Oh, Niall, you know that's not true."

"Don't I?" Niall's voice went up by a few decibals. "Have you seen how the girls hug everyone but me? Do you know how many times I've been told to go away so they could have pictures with the rest of you? How people stop cheering at concerts the instant I start singing? How everyone treats me like a disease, and I'm the only one? Because I'm just ugly and untalented? Because I'm not as slim or tanned or tall as the rest of you?"

"Niall, that's rubbish," Liam said, but deep down he knew what Niall said was true. He did see how the girls treated Niall differently. He saw how they avoided him, even subconsciously. "I- that's a stupid reason, Niall. There's not an excuse. You can't run away."

"Its not running away, its showing them that I hate them for not understanding me," Niall said. "A final damn-you, to all of them for being so mean to me."

"That's childish!" Liam snapped. "You don't kill yourself over these things, you suck it up like a man!"

"I've tried."

"Death is the end, mate. Its not a revenge, you can't come back after you die and tell them why you went!" Liam insisted. He was growing angrier each second. Why were they even having this stupid conversation? "Once you die, you die! You can't change your mind, you can't turn back, you won't even know if those people are affected!"

Niall's lower lip trembled. "I'm not doing this for anyone, Liam. I'm doing this so I don't feel like such a huge disappointment to everyone anymore."

"What about the rest of us, in One Direction? What would we do without you? You're a part of us, Niall, once you go we can't bring you back no matter how much we want to!" Liam shouted. He was so afraid, that somehow Niall might be the least bit serious about the plan. "You're being stupid, and you know that!"

Niall stiffened. "I thought you'd understand. I trusted you to."

"No, I don't understand, Niall, I think whatever goes on in your head is stupid and not thinking straight!"

"There we go again," Niall hissed. "Always the stupid one. Always the one not good enough."

"Niall," Liam said, exasperated. "You know this has nothing to do with that."

"Do I?" Niall's voice sounded on the edge of breaking. "Do I really?"

"Yes!" Liam yelled as Niall started to walk away, fists tight by his sides. "Niall, stop! You're not going to go through with this!"

"I am," Niall said, not stopping. "I'll go through with it myself."

"Fine!" Liam called. "Fine, I understand, alright? I know what it feels like! And I'm sorry about it! I really am, okay, Niall?"

Niall glanced over his shoulder. "So you'll help me out?"

Liam opened his mouth and closed it after a moment. He'd never considered the possibility of doing this for real. Maybe he'd just appease Niall, put it off for as long as he could until the boy changed his mind. "I don't know."

Niall turned around and continued trudging away.

"Wait!" Liam said desperately. "Wait, okay! I'll help you. I promise I will, Niall. I'll help. And I won't tell anyone. And I won't lie. I promise. I'll help."

Niall smiled slowly. It was a sick smile, reminded Liam of a masochist. The smile of a killer. Or, more specifically, a suicidal person who found these ideas humorous. "Promise?"

"Yes," Liam exhaled slowly. "Yes. I promise."

Niall widened the smile, unnerving Liam completely. "I knew I could trust you."
--
11th April 2012, 6:02pm

"Hi, Liam Payne," the lady across the table smiled.

Liam didn't reply. He stared around the room, bewildered. Despite the documents displaying the psychological prowess of the lady, her office looked more like a child's playroom than a shrink's workplace. There were baby blue walls, bean bags, a fuschia pink table, colorful mugs storing rainbow pencils, messy post-it notes everywhere, and stuffed animals all over the place.

"My name is Dr Alexis Little," she said, readjusting the glasses on her bony nose. She had wild blonde curls, which were tightly bound in a ponytail, and piercing blue eyes behind the LensCrafters. She wore a light blouse and lavender skirt. "But since we're going to be seeing each other quite often, you can just call me Alexis, or Lexi, if you like. I know its hard, but can we establish a little rule here?"

Liam stared straight ahead at the wall.

"When you're here in this room, there's no such thing as lying. We're friends, and we trust each other," Alexis said. "Because I'm not telling anyone the things that you tell me. We both know I won't."

Liam nodded stonily.

"Now, let's start with how you feel," Alexis said. "Why do you think you're here?"

"Cause I need help?" he guessed.

She shook her head, frowning. "Now, I know what they've been telling you, Liam. But we both know that its not what you think. I want to know about YOU. Why do YOU think you're here?"

"I don't know," Liam said flatly. "Its cause I have problems. I mean, everyone has problems. And mine are just a little bit harder." Deep inside, he knew it was a lie. Dealing with the death of his best friend wasn't just a little harder. It was a whole lot harder.

She nodded, smiled in approval. "And do you mind telling what those problems are?"

"Niall," Liam said. "He died."

"Niall," she nodded at the name. "Who was he to you?"

"My best friend. He was like a brother to me. He was always there, we were just so close."

"And why do you deem this problem, as you said, just a 'little' harder?" she asked.

"Because I could've stopped it," Liam said, his voice starting to shake. "I could've stopped it from happening. I should've talked him out of it. I could've lied to him, brought him to watch a movie instead."

She reached across her table and handed him a lime green box of tissues. "And why didn't you?" she asked softly.
 
"Because I made him a promise!" Liam said, blowing his nose into the tissue. "I told him I would! And I didn't want to lie to my best friend!"

She nodded, her eyes darting to the notepad on her desk. Then she shook her head, ignoring it. "If you had lied to him, like you said, would things be better?"

"Yes," Liam said, then hesitated. "Or no. He could've done it himself without telling me. He would've stopped trusting me completely. I don't know."

"So what you're saying is," Alexis said. "That you helped him into suicide."

Liam looked up at the ceiling, trying to reverse the flow of hot tears threatening to spill onto his cheeks. "Yes, he made me promise."

"Liam," she said gently. "Do you really miss him?"

It was like a dam broken open inside Liam. A gush of memories, of tears. Every moment he'd ever spent with Niall burning into his eyes, forcing him to stare at the face he wanted to forget. "I do. A lot."

"Did you know you were going to miss him?"

"Yes," Liam's voice cracked.

"Then why did you still do it?" she seemed confused. "You could've said no."

"I did it," Liam desperately thought of something that could somehow sum up all the feelings he'd been fighting with. A battlefield inside him, happy and sad and angry. The summer days spent laughing with ice cream, golden afternoons just lazing in the sun. The winters, where they'd hold each other, lying against each other in the heat of the fireplace. The autumn walks in the park, side by side, not touching but completely aware of each other's presences. The swims in the lake during spring, when the ice had finally thawed away. Shirtless and fun and bubbly.

"I did it because... Because I loved him."
--
Remember when we were younger, and I'd follow you to the bathroom at night because you were scared? I'd wait for you, I never said a word when you took long. And when you came out, you'd smile at me, and we'd walk back to your room together.

I guess I kind of got into the habit of waiting for you. No matter where we went. I knew I could never leave you behind. In the bus during tours, taking breaks during rehearsals, even vocal classes when my sessions ended earlier than yours. I could have always gone off on my own. But I didn't. I waited.

I heard Zayn say something the other day. He said I was like a pillar in our relationship. I was the sturdy one, I held you together when you were going to fall to pieces. He said you were reckless. That without me, you'd do stupid things and get caught while doing them. I laughed at him, even though I knew it was true. But that's not the point. The way he said it, it sounded like you needed me. Like you relied on me. And that's not true. I need you too, perhaps even more. I can't always be strong, Niall. Sometimes I fall apart too. I need you there to help me understand that. You reminded me that we were young whenever we had fun together. But you also made me feel like an adult, like I needed to protect you.

That day when you left, I waited. I waited for so long, just the way I always did. And I didn't complain, no matter how long I thought you were going to take. It was natural. I just stood there by the edge and looked down, and I waited for you so that we could go back home together.

I almost forgot that you were never going to come back this time.
--